This Is The End

I can't function like this. It's killing me. Make it stop. Oh, but that's right. . it never will stop. It'll be something I deal with all my life. Well, you're not helping. You aren't helping. You're not helping. How many ways can I tell you how that conversation broke me? I wanted to die right there, it'll just be someone else I lose. 

-what does that have to do with anything, you dont have to be me to listen to the words that im telling you

Because I'm not going to agree with you and you just pushing it on me only makes it worse. It emphasizes the fakeness. People only watch out for their own backs.

yeah i push you off because i get scared

im the most paranoid person right now

i pushed you off because i was freaking out

I'm not exactly the right person to take it out on.

Deal with your shit and I deal with mine.

that's what emery said, and i shouldnt take it out on anyone

I'm not a fucking dart board for all of your guys fucking issue.

issues**

think back i was asking you what your issues were so that i could try to help but that must have gotten confused along the way

I meant about your paranoia.

yeah oh well ill get over my paranoia

Don't get over it by pinning it on me, or for that matter my sister. Just saying.

i wasnt pinning it on anyone it just happened to involve you. i never said it was your fault or that you were to blame or anything so what ev

It has nothing to fucking do with me except your own god damn insecurities!

THAT IS WHAT IM SAYING!!!!! jeeze girl

8:41pm

You sure have a shit way of saying it.

my bad

Okay then.

Here's A Game You Would Like.

I'd lose. 9 times out of 10, I would lose.

It's Not That I Don't Care Anymore. . It's That I Can't.

You sent me a message last night about one of my statuses. I freaked out, you don't deserve to know everything about me. You don't deserve to know my life story because you don't care, you just want to get on my good side so she'll date you because caring about me makes you look cool and she'll fall into your arms all because you "helped" me. Fuck you. Fuck you and your fake ass feelings. What you don't know is that before I would have fallen in love with you for that because I DID have a little crush on you. But now I see how you are trying to push yourself away from me because it scares you how alike we act. Well, bitch, news flash, we've lived our whole lives together. So, get over it. And don't ever, ever, try to talk to me again because you're not helping my depression OR anxiety. You're making it worse, you're breaking me.

It's Haunting But Compared To Your Eyes...

I know I should leave you alone. I know I shouldn't regress to this. Let's not pretend that I'll ever be alone at night, let's not pretend that you ARE alone right now. You cheated on me. YOU lost ME. And here I am crawling right back into those daunting arms, the ones that held other girls when they were supposed to be mine. But I can't hide from the facts, the fact is, every time you come running back to me, asking for my forgiveness and I just look at you and I wonder how in the world we got to be this way. But then I think of Him and I realize you are a worthless piece of junk and I should leave you alone. And I will. I swear on my life I will. But when he leaves I need someone there to pull me away from you or I know I'll think we can be friends. And being friends with you will cause me nothing but more heartache because you are a lying, cheating, miserable piece of junk. And who is going to be there to save me from that? It sure as hell won't be me because I stayed with you for two months even after I knew what you'd done to me. Let's be honest, if I get to deep into this I will be wondering who's with you at night, wondering if she's the one that replaced me. If she's the one that "opened up". There's a damn good reason WHY I didn't open up to you, because you would hurt me, I was never blind to that. I knew someday, somewhere, you would break my heart. I was protecting myself. And in the end I gave you everything I had, which is why I can't give Him everything I have because you still have chunks of me. I want them back! I want to be me again, I want to have the security of knowing that I have all of me, that some pieces don't still linger in your hands, being crushed every time you breathe. I hate you so much that it hurts to know you are alive over Cameron. You are a waste of human space and I would rather have my best friend here. I don't know what to do about you. About you just leave me alone because this will be the first time in two years that I stand up to you and tell you what you really are. Don't you dare coming around here. The last time you ruined me, kissing me? You had the gall to kiss me and  try and get with me? You came to get your jacket, keep your word for once. 
The end. 

Boats And Birds

If you'll be my star,
I'll be your sky
You can hide underneath me
and come out at night
When I turn jet black
and you show off your light

I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

You can sky rocket away from me
And never come back if you
find another galaxy
Far from here,
with more room to fly
Just leave me your stardust
to remember you by

If you'll be my boat,
I'll be your sea
Depth of pure blue
just to proke curiosity
Ebbing and flowing,
and pushed by a breeze

I live to make you free
I live to make you free

And you can set sail to the west
if you want to
Pass the horizon
'til I can't even see you
Far from here,
where the beaches are wide
Just leave me your wake
to remember you by

If you'll be my star,
I'll be your sky
You can hide underneath me
and come out at night
When I turn jet black
and you show off your light

I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

You can sky rocket away from me
And never come back if you
find another galaxy
Far from here,
with more room to fly
Just leave me your stardust
to remember you by
 Stardust to remember you by.

It's true. I live to let you shine.

Moles.

 Here it is almost impossible to have a moment of silence. You have people pulling at you in all directions and (the nerd that I am) I could not think of a better analogy for my life other than Polarity. Polarity. What else could I imagine?
A mole? Not the animal, oh no, the most unnerving sense of Chemistry to every Chemist. 6.03x10 to the 23. That is one mole. But one mole varies on the molecule. Or atom, per say. If you have lithium the mole changes to 2.80x10 to the 24. This got my thinking. If moles are essentially how much something is worth, then could we count humans as moles.
Lets say an average person is a normal, set average, mole. 6.03x10 to the 23. But what if there was someone like Lithium, with a mole average of 2.80x10 to the 24? Or the lowest mole of Barium with .98x10 to the 23? Would this mass of a human be someone like a psychokiller? Someone who has built their whole life on ruining others. . But what this would fail to realize is that to find the average mass of this we would need to times their mole by ours. So, .98x10 to the 23 and 6.03x10 to the 23 would equal 7.31? x 10 to the twenty third. So, this being said I have made a revelation, through Chemistry. . Who would have thought?
Just as a mole is a piece of mass, a piece of a worth, so are humans. And just as mole we feed our surroundings, good or bad. This also being said here is my revelation. . Be careful what you do, people are always watching. Don't be the contributor to a lesser mole.

4 Months After His Death And I Wrote This.

I have never been so angry in my life, honestly. Or more depressed. I have these flickers; ten minutes of perfect serenity, and then I'll punch a hole in the wall. And then, after staring at it for a few moments, contemplating why I just hit a wall, I'll start crying about it. And this all started because of Cameron. Great, I said, I even promised, I'd never let someone control my emotions and then my best friend goes and dies. .Hmmm? Yes, well. You know, I doubt I'd be feeling this way if I hadn't let him go off and overdose without so much as a word. The last thing I ever said to him was icy, brutal. . hateful. And then he died.1

And, Charlie St. Cloud, guess what? Real people can't see dead people, no matter how much they wish they could. 2

For the past. . 4 months? I've been a wreck, an utter and complete bubble of ruin. Not to mention Randy. Great guy, very charming. But a loser. No plans, no drive, nothing. So I go and break it off, my feelings of self doubt consuming me until even the people around me know. And then he gets kidney failure. Great, am I going to lose him too? 3

I'm not sure what God has going on up there, what he's playing at, but unless somethings done soon. . I even took Tarot Cards. I don't put a lot of value in those sort of things but today, with Chelsea, I did. And what did I get? The Tower, which may I add, stands for "false concepts and institutions that we take for real." When the reader gets this card, they can expect to be shaken up, to be blinded by a shocking revelation. My revelation; God is Impossible.4

But that's not all, oh no. Go Moon! With Pisces as its ruling sign, the Moon is visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry.. it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. So, who's going to take me down this time?5

And, shall I continue? The Hermit..the card that says I should have 'a desire for peace and solitude'. Yeah well, news flash. I do. 6

So, whats left for me to say? What's left for me to do? Jump off a cliff? Maybe make some more pretty little scars? Yes, like I need that. You recover from one thing and get another. But yet, the vice is alway the same. Damn it.