Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time the world knew what they were doing, once upon a time people were people not idiots that just roamed the earth, once upon a time people were happy because they could be, not because they were forced to be, once upon a time people didn't blame their problems on something/someone else, once upon a time that world existed and now. . now are world is like Spiderman 2, everything in the end just falls to crap.
I don't want my life to be like Spiderman 2.
The end.

Heavy Lies The Crown

I've finally discovered what makes you tick,
And I can't say I miss it or that you should be too proud of it,
Now I'm driving away, wishing you would've stayed,
Know I'll never forget you, I hope things work out for you that way,
Because we've been before and it's getting old,
We've been fighting this fight never taking the time to let things grow

Oh no, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say to make you stay,
I feel like this is so surreal, I don't know what's the deal,
Wish you had stayed, wish you had stayed

I've finally discovered just how you feel,
You had fallen in love and expected a reaction,
Some strange kind of attraction,
And I didn't ask questions, no, I just ran away,
Now I'm patiently waiting for a response you'd send one day,
I didn't think anything would come of it,
But I guess I could be wrong with this,
Hey, I'm only a man, I'm only a man

Oh no, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say to make you stay,
I feel like this is so surreal, I don't know what's the deal,
Wish you had stayed, wish you had stayed

Finally we're getting somewhere,
Finding out just who we really are,
Finally we're getting somewhere now,
Finally we're getting somewhere,
Finding o ut just who we really are,
Finally we've gotten past the things we see and who we really are

Oh no, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say to make you stay,
I feel like this is so surreal, I don't know what's the deal,
Wish you had stayed, wish you had stayed

Oh no, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say to make you stay,
I feel like this is so surreal, I don't know what's the deal,
Wish you had stayed, wish you had stayed

I Will Be

I came home from school today,  completely tired and wiped out, the fight we had took everything out of me, and I wasn't prepared for me. I sat down and stared at you, I wasn't quite sure what to say so I  told you that. You stared back and said you were tired of being controlled. Sorry. I wasn't prepared for you to pull out my diamond ring and lay it on the couch, the sign that we both agreed would mean we were over. My heart dropped to my stomach, my stomach to my feet and I lost it. Why? You said you loved me, you said it then too but then you told me that we could wait and after the mission. .I blanked right there. .I wouldn't live 2 weeks without you, let alone 2 years. My mind was already whirling, thinking of which pills were available to me. Two years and five months, that was all. . that wasn't very long you said. .No. .
I couldn't breathe, I ran over and sat next to you crying into your shoulder, your head touched mine as you gave some sign you still cared and I resolved then and there that I wasn't going to let you go. I wasn't going to lose you. So i fought harder, I promised I would give you everything you ever needed and I would be the one for you, like I already know I am. I was so angry at Wagner actually, for making me this way and I immediately blamed him for breaking us apart. But I kept that to myself, and  I begged you not to leave me, I pleaded. . one chance, just one. 
Well, whoever is watching over me up there. . I owe him because he answered my prayers. .I will be everything you need, I promise. .I won't mess this one up. Ever.

Randy, Again

Gosh, kid. Please answer me, I need you. I need to know you are alive. I need to know that somewhere in the world you are still pumping blood throughout a moving body. You know, I sat on your profile for a little bit just aimlessly roaming and the long that played. . well let's just say it won't get out of my head and I can't stop listening to it. You know why I am so worried? Because, throughout it all, you never took one bit of it seriously. You didn't know how sick you were. .. are.
Dear Darrin,
I know if I see you I will get over all my fears. I know if I see you I'll know you love me and that I love you, you and only you and know that we are going to be together forever but right now, you have to understand. . my depression is holding so tightly it's almost choking me and right now I don't know any of that. Be patient with me.  Please.

My Resolution

My resolution this year is simple: live.
Why?
I am so close to danger right now, thats how it goes, the pills work after a bit but at the beginning nothing is different.
I feel empty.
I can't help it.
I feel like I'm going to lose him.
I feel like I've already lost him
This isn't going to well is it?

My Perfect Memory

                “Honestly, I swear it was a stupid mistake, really.  .” Michael stared at me, his grey eyes searching endlessly into mine, writing their own feelings into my heart.

“No, don’t play this game with me, please.  .” I felt my eyes tearing up, my heart cracking right down the middle.

                Michael’s perfect, statuesque, domineering figure faltered. He looked at me for a moment before his chest seemed to collapse into itself. His arms lost their rigid structure and hung limp at his side, his legs seemed to lose an inch or so as his knees buckled, and his mouth. .I watched almost motionless as the thin lines of pink fell into a downward curve. I wanted to take a step towards him, I wanted to save him from his destruction, I wanted to save us. Yet, through all my maniac thought the world stood still and so did I.

“It’s not a game, McCall. I’m sorry, can’t you forgive me?”

                Sitting in my little bedroom those words held so much power over me. I grabbed the chair that accompanied my desk and before I knew it my knees gave way and I sunk to the floor. I was ruined, I was the shell of the girl I was before.  Tears streamed down from my eyes, the listless lids holding no protection against them. I grabbed my wrist and dug my fingernails into the soft skin that covered the one simple vein I had fought so hard to protect.

“No, no. Mic, please,” the anguish in his voice tore me apart. He was fighting with himself now, seeing how easily I fell back into the hands of depression.

                He took a step closer to me and went to brush the tears from my eyes, “Don’t touch me,” I shuddered.

“McCall, please. . .” he begged and pleaded, but I think we both knew it was pointless.

“You promised! You promised you were different,” I screamed, throwing the nearest thing I could find, a pen, at him.

“McCall, it was a mistake. I love you, you know that. . Right?” he asked, almost childishly, looking for the confirmation that he was still okay, that his mistake would be fixed all by itself.

“No, I love you. You are desperately confused,”

“Do you want me to leave? What do you want me to do?” I turned to look at him and saw that the thoughtful grey eyes I loved to look into were empty, soulless.

“I don’t know,” I uttered those words with careful consideration, what did I want?

“I won’t do it again, I promise. I promise on my life, I won’t do it again.” Michael wrapped his arms around my shoulder and held me as I cried into his chest, knowing I could never let him walk away from me. No matter how much he hurt me, he was Michael, he was mine. And for him I could learn to live half-alive.

“I forgive you,” I whispered, knowing I really didn’t.

“Thank you, Mic. I love you.”

“I love you too,” I sobbed harder into the black shirt that covered his torso, “I love you too.” 

My memory is still as sharp as the day it happened.

This one is for you Michael Wagner.

As For Being Happy

Tonight I found something that I hadn't thought about in awhile, his name is Randy. Randy. . something. Yeah, I don't know his last name, how pathetic. The point is Randy, he has kidney failure. I've been so wrapped up in Darrin that I forgot about Randy, and now my thoughts can't stay off of him. Randy and I were together for a few months before he got sick and once he did I ran away because the thought of being with someone who I couldn't even save scared me. And it probably wasn't fair to him, to leave him like that but he accepted it anyway. And then he asked me if we could still be friends even though I would always mean more to him to then just friends. I didn't exactly know it would be this hard.
Actually, I am all one for being happy. Really. I mean looking back it's all, be happy it's a new year. .And I should follow my own advice but I'm terrified right now. It says it has been 21 days since Randy has even touched his facebook, myspace, etc and in those 21days he very easily could have died. No one knows about me, no one knows how much he means to me, therefore no one would tell me.
Dear Randy,
Please be okay, I need you.

Oh, speaking of needing. My mom hopped me back up on anti-depressants. Hmm.