You Are More

We are all more. The motto this year for the Peer Leadership at our school is this: You Are More. It is our job to show children and peers at our school that they are more.  We are all more than anything that this earth can provide. We must all strive to reach self-transcendence. Don't you know who you are? You are more. 

For everyone that I made feel like they are not more I sincerely apologize, never think you are less because of something I have said, or others for that matter. You are more.

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There's a girl in the corner 
With tear stains on her eyes 
From the places she's wandered 
And the shame she can't hide 

She says, "How did I get here? 
I'm not who I once was. 
And I'm crippled by the fear 
That I've fallen too far to love" 

But don't you know who you are, 
What's been done for you? 
Yeah don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

Well she tries to believe it 
That she's been given new life 
But she can't shake the feeling 
That it's not true tonight 

She knows all the answers 
And she's rehearsed all the lines 
And so she'll try to do better 
But then she's too weak to try 

But don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

'Cause this is not about what you've done, 
But what's been done for you. 
This is not about where you've been, 
But where your brokenness brings you to 

This is not about what you feel, 
But what He felt to forgive you, 
And what He felt to make you loved. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You've been remade 
You've been remade. 
You've been remade. 
You've been remade.

I Don't Mind

I'm coming to terms that April is coming soon and April will mark a year since Cameron has been dead. Darrin says that it's been a year and I should get over it, but it's hard getting over your best friends unexpected death. I know a lot of people don't see it, they don't quite see how you could have been my best friend. You were, you were there to talk and I was there for you, as well. You understood me and I tried very hard to understand you but I guess I didn't do it well enough because I couldn't help you get over your addiction to cocaine. But I'm slowly starting to realize that it wasn't my fault you died, I couldn't stop you. If an addict really wants to do something he will. And you did, nothing will change that.
I'm also starting to realize that I'm more happy than I have ever been because I've started doing a few things. First I'm TRUSTING Darrin, that is a huge step for me because I don't trust very easily. And we are doing pretty well for all that. He is the most amazing person in the world because he understand how to handle me, he knows what makes me tick and what calms me down. It makes me happy just to hug him, just to see him. My heart jumps a little bit when I just think of him and what he does.
I'm also meditating. You wouldn't believe the miracles it does just to clear your head of all the things that you don't need to stress over. For this, Ms. Morton I thank you.
I don't mind. I'm perfectly content.

Dreams Aren't Always Better Than Reality

So, you are asleep on my couch right now and I wonder if you are drifting away in your thoughts or if you are really asleep. If you are thinking, what about? Everything has been so wonderful and I love you more than anything. You have been acting so. . wonderful and I have been reciprocating. You are so fantastic, you just make me happy.
I'm not stressed really, about anything. I'm just sitting here watching you, wondering if my typing is going to wake you up.
Sweet dreams kid, they aren't going to be better than reality (:

The House That Built Me

I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could walk around in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me


Funny, I took this song and thought about it a while. The house that built me wasn't my own house, my house is not even a house. It's nothing like a house, in fact, it's a person. And this person is going to leave me shortly and I'm not entirely sure how I am going to handle this. Part of me says I'm fine, part of me says that I can do it. 
Last night we were talking and I asked if it was weird to think about us getting married. You shook your head and said "It's something I realized was going to happen a while ago. I've accepted it." And in this light, your house is going to mean so much more to me once you no long live there. I think I'll do some crying, some staying, some lacking, some wanting, some thinking. I'll miss you so much. But then again I don't know if I'll lose you for two years, they say that once you've done these things it makes living with the spirit 24/7 difficult, most people come home. Part of me is sad for this and part of me thinks, well I get to keep you and we get married when I graduate. But is this being too selfish? Should I let you fly and hope to God that I can handle it? Maybe.
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it,
This brokenness inside me might start healing. . 
Darrin Robert Olsen, the brokenness inside me is starting to heal. I owe you everything.

Cameron

So, Cameron I had a dream about you again. I know these things are weird seeing as how it's been a year since you've been dead. And I know that I really shouldn't think to much on it but.. You kissed me. I know that I didnt like you like that and I know that it was a dream but the point is that it was a sign that you cared and that you would always be there. Then I went to chemistry and I tried to call you and you didnt answer. I knew you wouldn't.
And now I'm sitting in PLT and we were talkin about how you are bigger than the choices that you make. You, however, weren't. Your choices killed you and left a lot of people, mainly me, floundering for a relief we couldn't find. And a year later my only relief comes in a dream and leaves me waking up, crying because I know it wasn't real.

I Win :)

I win :) that's all there is to it. Why? Because I am just that good :)

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time the world knew what they were doing, once upon a time people were people not idiots that just roamed the earth, once upon a time people were happy because they could be, not because they were forced to be, once upon a time people didn't blame their problems on something/someone else, once upon a time that world existed and now. . now are world is like Spiderman 2, everything in the end just falls to crap.
I don't want my life to be like Spiderman 2.
The end.