Something came over me last night as I sat writing, like I always do, and maybe it was my fault for writing about it anyway but in my fictional world there is a girl, Analee, and a boy, Dustin. Analee is a bulimic, haunted by her dead best friend, Cameron. Dustin is a boy, just a boy. He's so kind, loving, funny, carefree and completely intact, unlike Ana. Ana fears her love is doomed because history repeats itself and it doesn't help that Dustin's insane skinny body drives her crazy. Ana is a long-time cutter, but even that doesn't seem to help. . now, back to reality. Dustin is my AMAZING boyfriend, Darrin and Analee (his ex's name is Anna) is maybe a fragment of the deepest part of my soul. This being said, I haven't held down a meal for 3 days. And to let you know, I'm fully aware of my problem. Don't try and change it. Did you know that Creative Writers and ten times more likely to suffer from manaic depression? Now, don't get me wrong. Darrin is the best thing that has ever happened and he makes me SO happy. For the first time I feel lost for words, you cannot describe Darrin. The problem is that I can't bring myself to keep my food, I can't. And I've promise myself that at 125 it will stop, but I know thats not true. Spiral.
Now I know Cameron would never betray me like that, make me this wrong. In life he would comfort me, let me cry, tell me everything is alreight, kiss my forehead and send me off with a nudge and make all my fears go away. My efforts leave me grasping thin air, begging for it to help me. And still nothing. Sometimes I wonder if someone handed me a knife and said "here you go, make it clean," if I could refuse the offer to join Cameron, and then I remember that I can't leave Darrin, not like that. And he thinks. . well, I don't know what his preference on my looks is. . Oh Shucks. I guess it wouldn't matter anyway. I'm on double relapse, nothing can stop me now. Cutting and Bulimia. Here We Go Again.
Ok girl i am no OFFICUALLY worried sick about you, your my best friend McCall... you mean more to me than you know. i mean today... i was at the edge of the knife... i have been debating all day if i should go back to the razor. but you, you made me smile, you brightend my day so much... i felt so much better after seeing you today, honestly i wish we could spend more time together because honestly... just having someone to talk to like you, having a friend i can trust like you, means the world to me... i honestly dont know where i would be right now if it wasnt for you. you see... i dont have much. jake is all i have, and well i seemed to have lost that and, having a actual friend there for me is amazing... it helps me realize that im not alone right now and i can over come this
ReplyDeleteim sorry im so stuburn sometimes, im sorry, like you i struggle with a lot.... i have thought about going bulimic latley to....i just want to punish myself for everything right now....
McCall... i know i sound like a fricken fruit right now, but i seem to have blown up, my head finally exploded. and.... you dont need to be bulimic, that will do nothing for you... your beautiful McCall... you dont know how many times i have looked at you in envy, you really are pretty just the way you are, you dont need to change for ANYONE. not even yourself because you look amazing already.the cutting isnt healthy either... but i understand where your coming from on it....but that will heal. bulimia wont... you will never be the same... its just like me and taking all the pills... i hurt every day from one stupid mistake...
Ugh ok i just kinda dragged this on and on and on.
Moral of the story: i love you ok? so please....stop... im begging you.... you mean more to me than you truly realize. your what has kept me saine... i know i can just go talk to you and erase all my problems... just remember i love you ok? i know this sounds retarded but its true. i havent had a true friend like you ever and i dont wanna loose that..