What a horrible thing it is to think that a person is ever more than just a person. The world is full of people who are constantly imagining and constantly being misimagined.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Gut Wrenching

Something came over me last night as I sat writing, like I always do, and maybe it was my fault for writing about it anyway but in my fictional world there is a girl, Analee, and a boy, Dustin. Analee is a bulimic, haunted by her dead best friend, Cameron. Dustin is a boy, just a boy. He's so kind, loving, funny, carefree and completely intact, unlike Ana. Ana fears her love is doomed because history repeats itself and it doesn't help that Dustin's insane skinny body drives her crazy. Ana is a long-time cutter, but even that doesn't seem to help. . now, back to reality. Dustin is my AMAZING boyfriend, Darrin and Analee (his ex's name is Anna) is maybe a fragment of the deepest part of my soul. This being said, I haven't held down a meal for 3 days. And to let you know, I'm fully aware of my problem. Don't try and change it.  Did you know that Creative Writers and ten times more likely to suffer from manaic depression? Now, don't get me wrong. Darrin is the best thing that has ever happened and he makes me SO happy. For the first time I feel lost for words, you cannot describe Darrin. The problem is that I can't bring myself to keep my food, I can't. And I've promise myself that at 125 it will stop, but I know thats not true. Spiral.
 Now I know Cameron would never betray me like that, make me this wrong. In life he would comfort me, let me cry, tell me everything is alreight, kiss my forehead and send me off with a nudge and make all my fears go away. My efforts leave me grasping thin air, begging for it to help me. And still nothing. Sometimes I wonder if someone handed me a knife and said "here you go, make it clean," if I could refuse the offer to join Cameron, and then I remember that I can't leave Darrin, not like that. And he thinks. . well, I don't know what his preference on my looks is. . Oh Shucks. I guess it wouldn't matter anyway. I'm on double relapse, nothing can stop me now. Cutting and Bulimia. Here We Go Again.