What a horrible thing it is to think that a person is ever more than just a person. The world is full of people who are constantly imagining and constantly being misimagined.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

To Love You More

Take me back in the arms I love 
Need me like you did before 
Touch me once again 
And remember when 
There was no one that you wanted more 

Don't go you know you will break my heart 
She won't love you like I will 
I'm the one who'll stay 
When she walks away 
And you know I'll be standing here still 

I'll be waiting for you 
Here inside my heart 
I'm the one who wants to love you more 
You will see I can give you 
Everything you need 
Let me be the one to love you more 

See me as if you never knew 
Hold me so you can't let go 
Just believe in me 
I will make you see 
All the things that your heart needs to know 

I'll be waiting for you 
Here inside my heart 
I'm the one who wants to love you more 
You will see I can give you 
Everything you need 
Let me be the one to love you more 

And some way all the love that we had can be saved 
Whatever it takes we'll find a way 

I'll be waiting for you 
Here inside my heart 
I'm the one who wants to love you more 
You will see I can give you 
Everything you need 
Let me be the one to love you more

Monday, May 16, 2011

It Was Only A Kiss

I want to cry, all the time, I want to scream and cry and I just wish you would care because to be honest, you are the one breaking me apart with the words you think will make me fall into your arms. 
"It was a mistake, Mikky."
"No, it wasn't you made the same mistake twice."
"And I won't do it a third time, I realize what I had when I lost it."
"Good, I should have left the first time."
"I never meant to hurt you."
"Don't pull that shit with me, Michael. You wanted her and I wasn't her. She was blonde, she was blue eyed and gorgeous and she gave you everything I couldn't."
"She was a mistake!"
"So we're you."
"You don't believe that."
"Yes, I do."
"No, you really don't. Do you remember the time I came over and brought you that movie. . And we spent all night telling each other how much we loved each other?"
"No, I try to forget."
"Put it down."
"No! You made me broken. Why couldn't you have made me perfect?"
"Oh sweetheart, what makes you think you'll ever be perfect?"
"Fuck off."
"And when I do you'll just come right back. Come on, Mik. You know we won't ever be apart."
"I know. .I just wish you'd treat me better.
"And you think you treat me like a king? Think again, sweetie.
"I'm sorry. ."
"Good girl, come here."
"Okay. . ."
I see it. I see how much you hurt me but I can't seem to find the motivation to leave you. I just let you do this, and it kills me. But I want you here, I want you here so badly I'll put up with you. I had you for ten months before you cheated and then two after that, a total of a year was spent with you and I'm not willing to give that up.

Maybe If Words Would Come Out Of My Mouth

If I could craft words like Mr.Darcy, I wouldn't be in this situation.
Maybe if you actually loved me, and listened to me, we wouldn't be so far apart...Don't blame me for you not being there to listen, when I gave you chance upon chance to be that one.
But right now, I don't even care because I don't even want you. My feelings have changed. But I'm not a princess, and this isn't what I had expected and in the end, I don't expect anything to happen. I'll just sit here and maybe someone, somewhere, someday, will realize my potential. I wrote this for you, but you'll never know that. Ha. <<<Look, I laughed. 
you worry me at times
you're animated about everything but me
and my gut says that's not healthy
pluck up the courage and ask you
a question i don't know the answer to
and your reply is not satisfactory

i wanna do everything right
i wanna make the loose ends tight

when will i be more than a novelty to you?
when will i be more than a force to push you through?
i have potential too

you scare me at times
you're full up of phrases about what you can do
but it's me who's taking this flight
i can deal with turbulence
but i'm not dealing it out like you
so please bare me in mind

i wanna do everything right
i wanna make the loose ends tight

when will i be more than a novelty to you?
when will i be more than a force to push you through?
i have potential too

if i played all the right chords, would i strike a chord with you?
if i played all the right strings, could you pull some for me too?

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Don't Give Up On Me

You're right. I do need you. I wish I didn't but I do. Won't you just leave me alone? I guarantee the only reason you are here is because you know you hurt me, you have that control. I hate you for that. The way we fight, the times I've cried, we've come to blows but that passion is there so it's gotta be right? Right?

Do you even understand what you've done to me? I had another panic attack today by the time I got home. I laid on my bed and tried so hard to breathe : in, out, in, out. You'd never think breathing would require effort. Well, it does. And I have all these thoughts going around and around and no matter how much I get them out they will never make sense.
I need to get out of here. 
I know I'm messed up, but I just need someone to listen, someone to care and not judge me. Anyone?
That's what I thought.


I rode in the car in silence all the way home, waiting for her to say anything to me, waiting for her to tell me it was all okay and we would be okay and everyone was going to get better now and it would feel better. But she didn't. She tried and then she faltered, her voice started breaking and she threw her phone over on my lap and just said "Read it." I took a look and there it was, plain as day, she was looking at him, probably thinking about how much he means to her and then below it "Too bad she's fake." and then I realized it. He was already crazy about her not being real, being too good to be true. And this certainly didn't help. She turned to me with her huge eyes full of tears, "What am I going to do?" I looked at her in all her misery, she didn't need another heartbreak. And I just shrugged. I have no thoughts, no feelings. . just numbness. She was shaking so badly that I had to drive us home. That wasn't exactly safe, seeing as how i could have ran us into anything just to end it. But I didn't. I took the consideration to let her feel, and as funny as it is, I am jealous of her ability to feel this. And then when we got home she balled. But in thirty minutes she was dressed, composed and looked every inch of perfection. I admire that because I couldn't do it. 
To whoever that girl was who hurt her: Hate only ruins peoples lives. Just shut up and let them be happy. Please? She's already been through enough. 

You seem to think that by saying all the things you used to that I will come running back to you. Well I won't. So calling me beautiful, or telling me you missed me won't work this time. I don't believe you, I never did. I don't think you actually mean what you say. So if you want me to come back, you have to prove to me that you mean every single word.

This Is The End

I can't function like this. It's killing me. Make it stop. Oh, but that's right. . it never will stop. It'll be something I deal with all my life. Well, you're not helping. You aren't helping. You're not helping. How many ways can I tell you how that conversation broke me? I wanted to die right there, it'll just be someone else I lose. 
-what does that have to do with anything, you dont have to be me to listen to the words that im telling you

Because I'm not going to agree with you and you just pushing it on me only makes it worse. It emphasizes the fakeness. People only watch out for their own backs.

yeah i push you off because i get scared
im the most paranoid person right now
i pushed you off because i was freaking out

I'm not exactly the right person to take it out on.
Deal with your shit and I deal with mine.

that's what emery said, and i shouldnt take it out on anyone

I'm not a fucking dart board for all of your guys fucking issue.

think back i was asking you what your issues were so that i could try to help but that must have gotten confused along the way

I meant about your paranoia.

yeah oh well ill get over my paranoia

Don't get over it by pinning it on me, or for that matter my sister. Just saying.

i wasnt pinning it on anyone :-/ it just happened to involve you. i never said it was your fault or that you were to blame or anything so what ev

It has nothing to fucking do with me except your own god damn insecurities!

THAT IS WHAT IM SAYING!!!!! jeeze girl

You sure have a shit way of saying it.

my bad

Here's A Game You Would Like.

I'd lose. 9 times out of 10, I would lose.

It's Not That I Don't Care Anymore. . It's That I Can't.

You sent me a message last night about one of my statuses. I freaked out, you don't deserve to know everything about me. You don't deserve to know my life story because you don't care, you just want to get on my good side so she'll date you because caring about me makes you look cool and she'll fall into your arms all because you "helped" me. Fuck you. Fuck you and your fake ass feelings. What you don't know is that before I would have fallen in love with you for that because I DID have a little crush on you. But now I see how you are trying to push yourself away from me because it scares you how alike we act. Well, bitch, news flash, we've lived our whole lives together. So, get over it. And don't ever, ever, try to talk to me again because you're not helping my depression OR anxiety. You're making it worse, you're breaking me.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

It's Haunting But Compared To Your Eyes...

I know I should leave you alone. I know I shouldn't regress to this. Let's not pretend that I'll ever be alone at night, let's not pretend that you ARE alone right now. You cheated on me. YOU lost ME. And here I am crawling right back into those daunting arms, the ones that held other girls when they were supposed to be mine. But I can't hide from the facts, the fact is, every time you come running back to me, asking for my forgiveness and I just look at you and I wonder how in the world we got to be this way. But then I think of Him and I realize you are a worthless piece of junk and I should leave you alone. And I will. I swear on my life I will. But when he leaves I need someone there to pull me away from you or I know I'll think we can be friends. And being friends with you will cause me nothing but more heartache because you are a lying, cheating, miserable piece of junk. And who is going to be there to save me from that? It sure as hell won't be me because I stayed with you for two months even after I knew what you'd done to me. Let's be honest, if I get to deep into this I will be wondering who's with you at night, wondering if she's the one that replaced me. If she's the one that "opened up". There's a damn good reason WHY I didn't open up to you, because you would hurt me, I was never blind to that. I knew someday, somewhere, you would break my heart. I was protecting myself. And in the end I gave you everything I had, which is why I can't give Him everything I have because you still have chunks of me. I want them back! I want to be me again, I want to have the security of knowing that I have all of me, that some pieces don't still linger in your hands, being crushed every time you breathe. I hate you so much that it hurts to know you are alive over Cameron. You are a waste of human space and I would rather have my best friend here. I don't know what to do about you. About you just leave me alone because this will be the first time in two years that I stand up to you and tell you what you really are. Don't you dare coming around here. The last time you ruined me, kissing me? You had the gall to kiss me and  try and get with me? You came to get your jacket, keep your word for once. 
The end. 

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Boats And Birds

If you'll be my star,
I'll be your sky
You can hide underneath me
and come out at night
When I turn jet black
and you show off your light

I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

You can sky rocket away from me
And never come back if you
find another galaxy
Far from here,
with more room to fly
Just leave me your stardust
to remember you by

If you'll be my boat,
I'll be your sea
Depth of pure blue
just to proke curiosity
Ebbing and flowing,
and pushed by a breeze

I live to make you free
I live to make you free

And you can set sail to the west
if you want to
Pass the horizon
'til I can't even see you
Far from here,
where the beaches are wide
Just leave me your wake
to remember you by

If you'll be my star,
I'll be your sky
You can hide underneath me
and come out at night
When I turn jet black
and you show off your light

I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

You can sky rocket away from me
And never come back if you
find another galaxy
Far from here,
with more room to fly
Just leave me your stardust
to remember you by
 Stardust to remember you by.

It's true. I live to let you shine.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


 Here it is almost impossible to have a moment of silence. You have people pulling at you in all directions and (the nerd that I am) I could not think of a better analogy for my life other than Polarity. Polarity. What else could I imagine?
A mole? Not the animal, oh no, the most unnerving sense of Chemistry to every Chemist. 6.03x10 to the 23. That is one mole. But one mole varies on the molecule. Or atom, per say. If you have lithium the mole changes to 2.80x10 to the 24. This got my thinking. If moles are essentially how much something is worth, then could we count humans as moles.
Lets say an average person is a normal, set average, mole. 6.03x10 to the 23. But what if there was someone like Lithium, with a mole average of 2.80x10 to the 24? Or the lowest mole of Barium with .98x10 to the 23? Would this mass of a human be someone like a psychokiller? Someone who has built their whole life on ruining others. . But what this would fail to realize is that to find the average mass of this we would need to times their mole by ours. So, .98x10 to the 23 and 6.03x10 to the 23 would equal 7.31? x 10 to the twenty third. So, this being said I have made a revelation, through Chemistry. . Who would have thought?
Just as a mole is a piece of mass, a piece of a worth, so are humans. And just as mole we feed our surroundings, good or bad. This also being said here is my revelation. . Be careful what you do, people are always watching. Don't be the contributor to a lesser mole.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

4 Months After His Death And I Wrote This.

I have never been so angry in my life, honestly. Or more depressed. I have these flickers; ten minutes of perfect serenity, and then I'll punch a hole in the wall. And then, after staring at it for a few moments, contemplating why I just hit a wall, I'll start crying about it. And this all started because of Cameron. Great, I said, I even promised, I'd never let someone control my emotions and then my best friend goes and dies. .Hmmm? Yes, well. You know, I doubt I'd be feeling this way if I hadn't let him go off and overdose without so much as a word. The last thing I ever said to him was icy, brutal. . hateful. And then he died.1

And, Charlie St. Cloud, guess what? Real people can't see dead people, no matter how much they wish they could. 2

For the past. . 4 months? I've been a wreck, an utter and complete bubble of ruin. Not to mention Randy. Great guy, very charming. But a loser. No plans, no drive, nothing. So I go and break it off, my feelings of self doubt consuming me until even the people around me know. And then he gets kidney failure. Great, am I going to lose him too? 3

I'm not sure what God has going on up there, what he's playing at, but unless somethings done soon. . I even took Tarot Cards. I don't put a lot of value in those sort of things but today, with Chelsea, I did. And what did I get? The Tower, which may I add, stands for "false concepts and institutions that we take for real." When the reader gets this card, they can expect to be shaken up, to be blinded by a shocking revelation. My revelation; God is Impossible.4

But that's not all, oh no. Go Moon! With Pisces as its ruling sign, the Moon is visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry.. it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. So, who's going to take me down this time?5

And, shall I continue? The Hermit..the card that says I should have 'a desire for peace and solitude'. Yeah well, news flash. I do. 6

So, whats left for me to say? What's left for me to do? Jump off a cliff? Maybe make some more pretty little scars? Yes, like I need that. You recover from one thing and get another. But yet, the vice is alway the same. Damn it.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Sun Will Rise For Us, We Just Don't Know How.

Cameron, I hope for the love of god that one day I will be forgiven for all of the things that I didn't do. All of the things that I DIDN'T see. I see know all of those moments where I wasn't helping, I was hindering. . anything! I remember when you went to Bobby's house a few days later and he told me you had smoked weed, I was furious! I was so upset that you would lie to me even after I helped you, but then I calmed down and that night I called you, asking you to just listen, to just stop and smell the roses for once, to realized that drugs didn't need to be a part of anything you ever needed. You kind of had a tone with me that seemed like you were regretting everything, and I never wished more to hug someone in my life. I remember this because in ninth grade when I was so in "like" with you, you used to tell me things about how great the world was, how we all just needed to take a step back. I remember you saying this, "Goodnight Angelito, just remember, it's always darkest before the dawn. The sun will rise for us, we just don't know how." 
The sun is rising every morning and every morning I thank god that I am here to see it. The only problem is that I wish you could see it too, but you are up there with the sun, looking down with it, probably laughing when we stumble and crying with us when we break. The sun will rise for us, we just don't know how.
. Anytime you want to visit, Cam, I'll be here.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

My Best Friend Is A Nerdfighter. . This Is How I Found Out.

Diddy-"That looks like a brain. . ."
Coach-"Diddy, that. . is a brain."
Diddy-"No, it's a . . .when I pee it's lime green!" 
Coach-"What the. . ."
Me- "Yeah well, I pee on squirrels." 
Duncan- "I pee on octupuses. . .or is it octupi?" 
Coach- "I'm going home. ."
Us- "Coooooaaaacccchhhh!"
Coach- "I have to go find a squirrel for Hershey to pee on." 
Me- "I have to go find an octupus for Dunk. . "
Duncan- "I have to go find a way to make my pee lime green. . meet back here at 40 hours central."
Me- "That's not even a time, Duncan."
Coach- "Practice is over, go home!"
Duncan- "Fine. . but don't expect me to come back!"
Coach- "You people are crazy. . ."
Me- "Lies!"
Duncan- "Ulcer Colitis!" 
Me- "DFTBA?"
Duncan- "What. . ."
Me- "DFTBA. . ."
Duncan With A Creepy Smile- "Warner Chilcott?"
Together- "Where have you been all my life!"
Duncan- "Let's go watch Giraffe sex."
Coach- "..."
Me- "Don't ask." 

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Be Angry At God, He Can Handle It.

It was with the usual emotions teenagers feel when they're about to embark on an adventure—without their parents—that some 40 students from Elim Christian College in Auckland, New Zealand assembled on Sunday morning. Their school-holiday excursion entailed a five-hour bus ride to an outdoor center in the Central North Island, where they were to spend five days bonding with one another, developing their leadership skills and having fun.

But the experience turned into a catastrophe on Tuesday afternoon, when a sudden storm during a canyoning exercise caused the deaths of six of the students and a teacher. Canyoning, also called canyoneering, is an increasingly popular sport in which participants walk, run, climb, and swim through river gorges. All of the dead drowned when they were washed away by a flash flood.

At a special assembly in the school hall on Wednesday morning, principal Murray Burton read out the names of the dead. The six students — three boys and three girls — were all 16 years old; teacher Tony McClean was 29. Addressing an audience that included students, parents and politicians, Burton struggled to explain the tragedy to the community: "I don't mind if you're angry," Burton said. "Be angry at God because He can handle that. But keep trusting."

At least three separate investigations—one by the North Palmerston Coroner— will try to piece together what went wrong. The canyoning trip was run by the Sir Edmund Hillary Outdoor Pursuits Centre (OTC), which is reported to have had a flawless safety record since its inception in 1973. Experienced staff were supervising the Elim College children, who were decked out in wetsuits, helmets, flotation vests and harnesses. Conditions were fine when their outing on Mangatepopo River, part of the rugged, remote Tongariro National Park, began in the early afternoon.

There is disagreement about what the weather forecast had been for that afternoon. The OTC maintains there had been no prediction of heavy rain. However, a local bureau, MetService, is saying otherwise. What is clear is that at around 3:30 a downpour, described by OTC chief executive Grant Davidson as a "rain bomb," struck the area, causing an extremely rapid rise in the river's water level. It soared from 0.5 cubic meter to 18 cubic meters in half an hour, according to Davidson. "I have seen that amount of water but I have never seen it come down at that speed," he said. Trapped in a gorge, separated for reasons unclear from the rest of the party, doomed students and their teacher were swept away. All the bodies have been recovered, the last two by helicopter just before dawn on Wednesday.

The remainder of the group returned by bus on Wednesday afternoon to Elim College. The school released brief profiles of the deceased students: Natasha Bray, Floyd Fernandes, Tara Gregory, Huan Hsu, Portia McPhail and Anthony Mulder. McPhail's reads, in part: "Portia was a gentle, kind, mature girl who loved playing and coaching netball." Teacher McLean is described as "an amazing teacher who loved God, life, students and sport." Natasha Bray's father said the loss of his daughter had shaken his faith, but he did not blame the OPC. "They have got a process to go through," he said. "We don't have an axe to grind." But for the New Zealand public, the disaster may raise doubts about whether adventure activities should be a part of school education.

I follow a blog of a girl, a girl who was friends with this Natasha Bray girl. It makes me so sad to read about her feelings upon her friends death, only because I know the feeling. I encourage everyone to educate and open their minds to what is really happening and when you think people should "deal with it" I urge you to do some research, find out why they are so distraught. Things like this happen everyday and it is horrible. Rest in peace, Natasha, Portia, Floyd, Tara, Huan, Anthony and my own, Cameron.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Looking For Australia

                I turned around and found searching green eyes staring back at me. I bit my lip a little, moving not even a centimeter but still being noticed. Randy stood in front me, the image of perfection. This was the image I struggled so hard to forget. His shirt was hanging from his hands, his chiseled chest with its etched lines was bear. His arms were hanging somewhat tensely, showing off the muscles in his biceps. This was Randy.
“Hey, blondie, pay attention to me,” He said and I shot my eyes from his arms back to his face.
“Come here,” he gave me a little wink and I laughed, pulling away from his arm reach.
“What are you doing,” I screeched, running on the other side of the bed, using it as a shield.
“Does it matter? Come here,” he laughed back with me and circled around, forcing me into the corner.
                I could feel his breath on my neck as he stared down on me, his green eyes flashing mischievously. His arms were against the wall, creating a box that I was locked in. I reached up with a shaking hand and touched his cheekbone, the scruff on it tickling my palm. I closed my eyes a little and gave a sigh.  When I opened them I saw a glimmer of pink and then it was gone.
“You were going to kiss me,” I offered up, hoping he would take the chance.
“I was,” Randy agreed, in one swift movement his arms were back  by his side and I could breathe again. “I’ll call you when I get home.”
“Randy. . . Okay, yeah,” I mumbled and ran my fingers along my lips.  “Be safe.”
                He flashed me a perfect smile and my heart twanged a little, sending my stomach down to my feet. This was Randy, this was someone I couldn’t like, but it was a little late for that. Randy threw his shirt over his head and wiggled into it, covering up his muscles.
“It was a fun workout, thanks Hersh,” he said and opened my door, disappearing with a wink.

“Was that the last night before he told you,” Jeremy asked as I sat with my legs folded on his bed.
“No, we had a few more nights like that. But he kept it hidden pretty well, he never let me believe anything was wrong.”
“Did you suspect it?”
“No, I honestly thought he was fine,” I looked out the window at the cool April day, the green of Vermont was even more this morning because of the rain. It had given the whole scene a glisten.
“He never told anyone, Jay. I don’t want you to feel like he purposely left you out of the loop,” Jeremy said, walking over from against his dresser to sit next to me.
“I know, that’s not what I’m worried about, I just can’t. . . I can’t live without him here, Jeremy. I just can’t,” I leaned into his shoulder and his curly black hair brushed my head.
“Yes, you can. I promise you, you can,”
“No one has heard from him in almost a year, not since April. . . I don’t think . . .He’s dead isn’t he,”
 I wiped a tear from my eye and shrugged a little.
“I don’t know, Jay. He left with his sister for El Paso. That’s all anyone knows,” Jeremy lifted my chin, meeting my eyes.
                His blue-grey eyes met mine and he gave me a little smile. His smile was a crooked one, always had been, and many girls fell for that. We had been friends for ten years, I was over it.
“You’ll be okay, he’ll come back to you,” he said and I smiled.
“Thanks, Jeremy.”

“You are such a god-rotting cheater,” Randy yelled as I stole the ball from him.
“Steal,” I shouted back, dribbling up the court, evading him with a turn. “And swish.”
                The ball flew from my tips and arched in air, hanging suspended for a moment. The twist that the flick of my wrist had given it allowed it to maneuver around the backboard. I grinned and turned to Randy who had his hands on his hips.  He shook his head at me and I ran over, hugging him tightly.
“Oh, you sore loser,” I muttered, running my fingers through the back of his brown hair.
“I never lose,” the tone of his voice shook me and I looked up at him. “Never.”
                He bent his head and gave me a shy little smile, the breath that washed over me stunned me and all I could do was smile. I shivered as the image of his lips drifted before my eyes.  Something hit my ankles and I stumbled forward. Randy stumbled backward as he tried to catch me but he lost his balance and we both went down.
“Ouch,” I groaned as my elbow hit the wooden floor.
“Agreed,” Randy said, rubbing the back of his head.
“I’m sorry,” I situated myself to look at him.
                Looking down on him, I saw the dark circles around his eyes, the little difference of paleness that now touched his skin. I furrowed my eyebrow, moving my hand, tracing the new circles under his eyes. He closed them in response and sighed a little, almost as if he was regretting something.  He could break my heart, and I think we both knew that but each of us was begging for it not to happen.
“You were going to kiss me,” I whispered, bending my head down toward his.
“Yes,” he said, his voice exhausted.
                I moved my arm and kissed his cheek, my whole body shaking. His hand grabbed behind my neck and gently turned me so that my lips were touching his but not kissing. He moved his other arm behind him and sat up, forcing me to sit as well. Before I could move from off his lap, he reached up and cupped me chin, bringing my lips to his.
                His lips moved in perfect sync with mine, gentle and not to pressuring. He held onto me by the small of my back, but I didn’t need it. I moved closer to him, thinking that even if we were one it would never be close enough for me.
“Marry me,” he whispered, pulling away slightly.
“What,” I didn’t move but my heart went into overdrive.
“Jaycee Samantha Ava Raey, marry me.”
“I. . . You can’t be serious?”
                He took my hand and helped me stand up. He kept hold of it and dragged me toward his things that he had brought to my house. He bent down and started rummaging through his pack, looking a little bit distraught.
“Randy. . .” I started.
“Found it,” he turned towards me, bent down and then I saw the little, black, velvet box.
“You’re serious. . .”
“Jaycee, Samantha Ava Raey, marry me, be my wife and make me the happiest man on earth. Please.”
“Randy, I’m nineteen.  . .”
“And I’m twenty-three and I’ve never felt like this in all of my dating life. I knew, from the moment I saw you, from the first words you spoke to me, I knew that I loved you.”
“Randy, my first words to you were stop being an idiot. . .” I gave a little laugh but he shook his head.
“No, I mean in an actual conversation, just between us.”
“Oh. . .”
“I know that Cameron had just died and everything  and you were a little distraught, but Jaycee, I loved you.”
“I didn’t. . .”
“Yes or no, Jay.”
                I stumbled around my thoughts for a moment, thinking of all the things that I could say, all the ways that I could say yes and all the ways I could say no. All the reasons that I should or shouldn’t, all the things that could go wrong. Nothing.
“Yes, Randy. Yes.”


Sunday, January 30, 2011

You Are More

We are all more. The motto this year for the Peer Leadership at our school is this: You Are More. It is our job to show children and peers at our school that they are more.  We are all more than anything that this earth can provide. We must all strive to reach self-transcendence. Don't you know who you are? You are more. 
For everyone that I made feel like they are not more I sincerely apologize, never think you are less because of something I have said, or others for that matter. You are more.
There's a girl in the corner 
With tear stains on her eyes 
From the places she's wandered 
And the shame she can't hide 

She says, "How did I get here? 
I'm not who I once was. 
And I'm crippled by the fear 
That I've fallen too far to love" 

But don't you know who you are, 
What's been done for you? 
Yeah don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

Well she tries to believe it 
That she's been given new life 
But she can't shake the feeling 
That it's not true tonight 

She knows all the answers 
And she's rehearsed all the lines 
And so she'll try to do better 
But then she's too weak to try 

But don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

'Cause this is not about what you've done, 
But what's been done for you. 
This is not about where you've been, 
But where your brokenness brings you to 

This is not about what you feel, 
But what He felt to forgive you, 
And what He felt to make you loved. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You've been remade 
You've been remade. 
You've been remade. 
You've been remade.

I Don't Mind

I'm coming to terms that April is coming soon and April will mark a year since Cameron has been dead. Darrin says that it's been a year and I should get over it, but it's hard getting over your best friends unexpected death. I know a lot of people don't see it, they don't quite see how you could have been my best friend. You were, you were there to talk and I was there for you, as well. You understood me and I tried very hard to understand you but I guess I didn't do it well enough because I couldn't help you get over your addiction to cocaine. But I'm slowly starting to realize that it wasn't my fault you died, I couldn't stop you. If an addict really wants to do something he will. And you did, nothing will change that.
I'm also starting to realize that I'm more happy than I have ever been because I've started doing a few things. First I'm TRUSTING Darrin, that is a huge step for me because I don't trust very easily. And we are doing pretty well for all that. He is the most amazing person in the world because he understand how to handle me, he knows what makes me tick and what calms me down. It makes me happy just to hug him, just to see him. My heart jumps a little bit when I just think of him and what he does.
I'm also meditating. You wouldn't believe the miracles it does just to clear your head of all the things that you don't need to stress over. For this, Ms. Morton I thank you.
I don't mind. I'm perfectly content.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Dreams Aren't Always Better Than Reality

So, you are asleep on my couch right now and I wonder if you are drifting away in your thoughts or if you are really asleep. If you are thinking, what about? Everything has been so wonderful and I love you more than anything. You have been acting so. . wonderful and I have been reciprocating. You are so fantastic, you just make me happy.
I'm not stressed really, about anything. I'm just sitting here watching you, wondering if my typing is going to wake you up.
Sweet dreams kid, they aren't going to be better than reality (:

Sunday, January 23, 2011

The House That Built Me

I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could walk around in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Funny, I took this song and thought about it a while. The house that built me wasn't my own house, my house is not even a house. It's nothing like a house, in fact, it's a person. And this person is going to leave me shortly and I'm not entirely sure how I am going to handle this. Part of me says I'm fine, part of me says that I can do it. 
Last night we were talking and I asked if it was weird to think about us getting married. You shook your head and said "It's something I realized was going to happen a while ago. I've accepted it." And in this light, your house is going to mean so much more to me once you no long live there. I think I'll do some crying, some staying, some lacking, some wanting, some thinking. I'll miss you so much. But then again I don't know if I'll lose you for two years, they say that once you've done these things it makes living with the spirit 24/7 difficult, most people come home. Part of me is sad for this and part of me thinks, well I get to keep you and we get married when I graduate. But is this being too selfish? Should I let you fly and hope to God that I can handle it? Maybe.
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it,
This brokenness inside me might start healing. . 
Darrin Robert Olsen, the brokenness inside me is starting to heal. I owe you everything.