What a horrible thing it is to think that a person is ever more than just a person. The world is full of people who are constantly imagining and constantly being misimagined.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
4 Months After His Death And I Wrote This.
I have never been so angry in my life, honestly. Or more depressed. I have these flickers; ten minutes of perfect serenity, and then I'll punch a hole in the wall. And then, after staring at it for a few moments, contemplating why I just hit a wall, I'll start crying about it. And this all started because of Cameron. Great, I said, I even promised, I'd never let someone control my emotions and then my best friend goes and dies. .Hmmm? Yes, well. You know, I doubt I'd be feeling this way if I hadn't let him go off and overdose without so much as a word. The last thing I ever said to him was icy, brutal. . hateful. And then he died.1
And, Charlie St. Cloud, guess what? Real people can't see dead people, no matter how much they wish they could. 2
For the past. . 4 months? I've been a wreck, an utter and complete bubble of ruin. Not to mention Randy. Great guy, very charming. But a loser. No plans, no drive, nothing. So I go and break it off, my feelings of self doubt consuming me until even the people around me know. And then he gets kidney failure. Great, am I going to lose him too? 3
I'm not sure what God has going on up there, what he's playing at, but unless somethings done soon. . I even took Tarot Cards. I don't put a lot of value in those sort of things but today, with Chelsea, I did. And what did I get? The Tower, which may I add, stands for "false concepts and institutions that we take for real." When the reader gets this card, they can expect to be shaken up, to be blinded by a shocking revelation. My revelation; God is Impossible.4
But that's not all, oh no. Go Moon! With Pisces as its ruling sign, the Moon is visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry.. it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. So, who's going to take me down this time?5
And, shall I continue? The Hermit..the card that says I should have 'a desire for peace and solitude'. Yeah well, news flash. I do. 6
So, whats left for me to say? What's left for me to do? Jump off a cliff? Maybe make some more pretty little scars? Yes, like I need that. You recover from one thing and get another. But yet, the vice is alway the same. Damn it.