What a horrible thing it is to think that a person is ever more than just a person. The world is full of people who are constantly imagining and constantly being misimagined.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

You Are More

We are all more. The motto this year for the Peer Leadership at our school is this: You Are More. It is our job to show children and peers at our school that they are more.  We are all more than anything that this earth can provide. We must all strive to reach self-transcendence. Don't you know who you are? You are more. 
For everyone that I made feel like they are not more I sincerely apologize, never think you are less because of something I have said, or others for that matter. You are more.
There's a girl in the corner 
With tear stains on her eyes 
From the places she's wandered 
And the shame she can't hide 

She says, "How did I get here? 
I'm not who I once was. 
And I'm crippled by the fear 
That I've fallen too far to love" 

But don't you know who you are, 
What's been done for you? 
Yeah don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

Well she tries to believe it 
That she's been given new life 
But she can't shake the feeling 
That it's not true tonight 

She knows all the answers 
And she's rehearsed all the lines 
And so she'll try to do better 
But then she's too weak to try 

But don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

'Cause this is not about what you've done, 
But what's been done for you. 
This is not about where you've been, 
But where your brokenness brings you to 

This is not about what you feel, 
But what He felt to forgive you, 
And what He felt to make you loved. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You've been remade 
You've been remade. 
You've been remade. 
You've been remade.

I Don't Mind

I'm coming to terms that April is coming soon and April will mark a year since Cameron has been dead. Darrin says that it's been a year and I should get over it, but it's hard getting over your best friends unexpected death. I know a lot of people don't see it, they don't quite see how you could have been my best friend. You were, you were there to talk and I was there for you, as well. You understood me and I tried very hard to understand you but I guess I didn't do it well enough because I couldn't help you get over your addiction to cocaine. But I'm slowly starting to realize that it wasn't my fault you died, I couldn't stop you. If an addict really wants to do something he will. And you did, nothing will change that.
I'm also starting to realize that I'm more happy than I have ever been because I've started doing a few things. First I'm TRUSTING Darrin, that is a huge step for me because I don't trust very easily. And we are doing pretty well for all that. He is the most amazing person in the world because he understand how to handle me, he knows what makes me tick and what calms me down. It makes me happy just to hug him, just to see him. My heart jumps a little bit when I just think of him and what he does.
I'm also meditating. You wouldn't believe the miracles it does just to clear your head of all the things that you don't need to stress over. For this, Ms. Morton I thank you.
I don't mind. I'm perfectly content.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Dreams Aren't Always Better Than Reality

So, you are asleep on my couch right now and I wonder if you are drifting away in your thoughts or if you are really asleep. If you are thinking, what about? Everything has been so wonderful and I love you more than anything. You have been acting so. . wonderful and I have been reciprocating. You are so fantastic, you just make me happy.
I'm not stressed really, about anything. I'm just sitting here watching you, wondering if my typing is going to wake you up.
Sweet dreams kid, they aren't going to be better than reality (:

Sunday, January 23, 2011

The House That Built Me

I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could walk around in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Funny, I took this song and thought about it a while. The house that built me wasn't my own house, my house is not even a house. It's nothing like a house, in fact, it's a person. And this person is going to leave me shortly and I'm not entirely sure how I am going to handle this. Part of me says I'm fine, part of me says that I can do it. 
Last night we were talking and I asked if it was weird to think about us getting married. You shook your head and said "It's something I realized was going to happen a while ago. I've accepted it." And in this light, your house is going to mean so much more to me once you no long live there. I think I'll do some crying, some staying, some lacking, some wanting, some thinking. I'll miss you so much. But then again I don't know if I'll lose you for two years, they say that once you've done these things it makes living with the spirit 24/7 difficult, most people come home. Part of me is sad for this and part of me thinks, well I get to keep you and we get married when I graduate. But is this being too selfish? Should I let you fly and hope to God that I can handle it? Maybe.
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it,
This brokenness inside me might start healing. . 
Darrin Robert Olsen, the brokenness inside me is starting to heal. I owe you everything.

Thursday, January 20, 2011


So, Cameron I had a dream about you again. I know these things are weird seeing as how it's been a year since you've been dead. And I know that I really shouldn't think to much on it but.. You kissed me. I know that I didnt like you like that and I know that it was a dream but the point is that it was a sign that you cared and that you would always be there. Then I went to chemistry and I tried to call you and you didnt answer. I knew you wouldn't.
And now I'm sitting in PLT and we were talkin about how you are bigger than the choices that you make. You, however, weren't. Your choices killed you and left a lot of people, mainly me, floundering for a relief we couldn't find. And a year later my only relief comes in a dream and leaves me waking up, crying because I know it wasn't real.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I Win :)

I win :) that's all there is to it. Why? Because I am just that good :)

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time the world knew what they were doing, once upon a time people were people not idiots that just roamed the earth, once upon a time people were happy because they could be, not because they were forced to be, once upon a time people didn't blame their problems on something/someone else, once upon a time that world existed and now. . now are world is like Spiderman 2, everything in the end just falls to crap.
I don't want my life to be like Spiderman 2.
The end.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Heavy Lies The Crown

I've finally discovered what makes you tick,
And I can't say I miss it or that you should be too proud of it,
Now I'm driving away, wishing you would've stayed,
Know I'll never forget you, I hope things work out for you that way,
Because we've been before and it's getting old,
We've been fighting this fight never taking the time to let things grow

Oh no, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say to make you stay,
I feel like this is so surreal, I don't know what's the deal,
Wish you had stayed, wish you had stayed

I've finally discovered just how you feel,
You had fallen in love and expected a reaction,
Some strange kind of attraction,
And I didn't ask questions, no, I just ran away,
Now I'm patiently waiting for a response you'd send one day,
I didn't think anything would come of it,
But I guess I could be wrong with this,
Hey, I'm only a man, I'm only a man

Oh no, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say to make you stay,
I feel like this is so surreal, I don't know what's the deal,
Wish you had stayed, wish you had stayed

Finally we're getting somewhere,
Finding out just who we really are,
Finally we're getting somewhere now,
Finally we're getting somewhere,
Finding o ut just who we really are,
Finally we've gotten past the things we see and who we really are

Oh no, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say to make you stay,
I feel like this is so surreal, I don't know what's the deal,
Wish you had stayed, wish you had stayed

Oh no, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say to make you stay,
I feel like this is so surreal, I don't know what's the deal,
Wish you had stayed, wish you had stayed

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I Will Be

I came home from school today,  completely tired and wiped out, the fight we had took everything out of me, and I wasn't prepared for me. I sat down and stared at you, I wasn't quite sure what to say so I  told you that. You stared back and said you were tired of being controlled. Sorry. I wasn't prepared for you to pull out my diamond ring and lay it on the couch, the sign that we both agreed would mean we were over. My heart dropped to my stomach, my stomach to my feet and I lost it. Why? You said you loved me, you said it then too but then you told me that we could wait and after the mission. .I blanked right there. .I wouldn't live 2 weeks without you, let alone 2 years. My mind was already whirling, thinking of which pills were available to me. Two years and five months, that was all. . that wasn't very long you said. .No. .
I couldn't breathe, I ran over and sat next to you crying into your shoulder, your head touched mine as you gave some sign you still cared and I resolved then and there that I wasn't going to let you go. I wasn't going to lose you. So i fought harder, I promised I would give you everything you ever needed and I would be the one for you, like I already know I am. I was so angry at Wagner actually, for making me this way and I immediately blamed him for breaking us apart. But I kept that to myself, and  I begged you not to leave me, I pleaded. . one chance, just one. 
Well, whoever is watching over me up there. . I owe him because he answered my prayers. .I will be everything you need, I promise. .I won't mess this one up. Ever.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Randy, Again

Gosh, kid. Please answer me, I need you. I need to know you are alive. I need to know that somewhere in the world you are still pumping blood throughout a moving body. You know, I sat on your profile for a little bit just aimlessly roaming and the long that played. . well let's just say it won't get out of my head and I can't stop listening to it. You know why I am so worried? Because, throughout it all, you never took one bit of it seriously. You didn't know how sick you were. .. are.
Dear Darrin,
I know if I see you I will get over all my fears. I know if I see you I'll know you love me and that I love you, you and only you and know that we are going to be together forever but right now, you have to understand. . my depression is holding so tightly it's almost choking me and right now I don't know any of that. Be patient with me.  Please.

My Resolution

My resolution this year is simple: live.
I am so close to danger right now, thats how it goes, the pills work after a bit but at the beginning nothing is different.
I feel empty.
I can't help it.
I feel like I'm going to lose him.
I feel like I've already lost him
This isn't going to well is it?

Sunday, January 2, 2011

My Perfect Memory

                “Honestly, I swear it was a stupid mistake, really.  .” Michael stared at me, his grey eyes searching endlessly into mine, writing their own feelings into my heart.
“No, don’t play this game with me, please.  .” I felt my eyes tearing up, my heart cracking right down the middle.
                Michael’s perfect, statuesque, domineering figure faltered. He looked at me for a moment before his chest seemed to collapse into itself. His arms lost their rigid structure and hung limp at his side, his legs seemed to lose an inch or so as his knees buckled, and his mouth. .I watched almost motionless as the thin lines of pink fell into a downward curve. I wanted to take a step towards him, I wanted to save him from his destruction, I wanted to save us. Yet, through all my maniac thought the world stood still and so did I.
“It’s not a game, McCall. I’m sorry, can’t you forgive me?”
                Sitting in my little bedroom those words held so much power over me. I grabbed the chair that accompanied my desk and before I knew it my knees gave way and I sunk to the floor. I was ruined, I was the shell of the girl I was before.  Tears streamed down from my eyes, the listless lids holding no protection against them. I grabbed my wrist and dug my fingernails into the soft skin that covered the one simple vein I had fought so hard to protect.
“No, no. Mic, please,” the anguish in his voice tore me apart. He was fighting with himself now, seeing how easily I fell back into the hands of depression.
                He took a step closer to me and went to brush the tears from my eyes, “Don’t touch me,” I shuddered.
“McCall, please. . .” he begged and pleaded, but I think we both knew it was pointless.
“You promised! You promised you were different,” I screamed, throwing the nearest thing I could find, a pen, at him.
“McCall, it was a mistake. I love you, you know that. . Right?” he asked, almost childishly, looking for the confirmation that he was still okay, that his mistake would be fixed all by itself.
“No, I love you. You are desperately confused,”

“Do you want me to leave? What do you want me to do?” I turned to look at him and saw that the thoughtful grey eyes I loved to look into were empty, soulless.
“I don’t know,” I uttered those words with careful consideration, what did I want?
“I won’t do it again, I promise. I promise on my life, I won’t do it again.” Michael wrapped his arms around my shoulder and held me as I cried into his chest, knowing I could never let him walk away from me. No matter how much he hurt me, he was Michael, he was mine. And for him I could learn to live half-alive.
“I forgive you,” I whispered, knowing I really didn’t.
“Thank you, Mic. I love you.”

“I love you too,” I sobbed harder into the black shirt that covered his torso, “I love you too.” 

My memory is still as sharp as the day it happened.
This one is for you Michael Wagner.

As For Being Happy

Tonight I found something that I hadn't thought about in awhile, his name is Randy. Randy. . something. Yeah, I don't know his last name, how pathetic. The point is Randy, he has kidney failure. I've been so wrapped up in Darrin that I forgot about Randy, and now my thoughts can't stay off of him. Randy and I were together for a few months before he got sick and once he did I ran away because the thought of being with someone who I couldn't even save scared me. And it probably wasn't fair to him, to leave him like that but he accepted it anyway. And then he asked me if we could still be friends even though I would always mean more to him to then just friends. I didn't exactly know it would be this hard.
Actually, I am all one for being happy. Really. I mean looking back it's all, be happy it's a new year. .And I should follow my own advice but I'm terrified right now. It says it has been 21 days since Randy has even touched his facebook, myspace, etc and in those 21days he very easily could have died. No one knows about me, no one knows how much he means to me, therefore no one would tell me.
Dear Randy,
Please be okay, I need you.

Oh, speaking of needing. My mom hopped me back up on anti-depressants. Hmm.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Being Happy:2011

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.Leo Tolstoy
There are many ways for people to be unhappy, but happy people have common characteristics. That’s why a good way to be happy is to learn the common characteristics of happy people and apply them.
So I studied what the great minds in history say about being happy. I went through hundreds of quotes on being happy and extracted the best lessons out of them. Not only are these lessons useful, they are also timeless in nature.
Here I’d like to share what I learned with you. Without further ado, here are 17 timeless secrets of happy people:
1. Forget the past
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.Rita Mae Brown
You won’t be happy if you carry the burden of the past. Did you make mistakes? Did you have terrible experiences? Whatever they are, you should let them go. There’s nothing you can do about the past, so you’d better let them go and focus your energy on the present.
2. Take responsibility for your life
The secret of Happiness is Freedom, and the secret of Freedom, Courage.Thucydides
To be happy you should have freedom and the most essential freedom is the freedom to choose. No matter how bad a situation is, you can always choose how you respond to it. People can annoy you, but it’s up to you whether or not you will resent.
But, as the quote above says, freedom takes courage. Freedom to choose requires the courage to take responsibility for your life. You shouldn’t blame someone else when something goes wrong. Take the responsibility and you have the power to choose.
3. Build relationships
Life’s truest happiness is found in friendships we make along the way.Unknown
Relationships is where we can get true happiness in life. The reason is simple: only through relationships can we love and be loved. Make relationships your top priority and you are on your way to true happiness.
4. Develop multiple passions
The more passions and desires one has, the more ways one has of being happy.Charlotte-Catherine
Passions lead you to happiness. So not only should you discover your multiple passions, you should also expand yourself to new passions. This way you will create new ways to happiness.
The key to expanding to new passions is curiosity. If you are curious, you will have an endless stream of exciting things waiting for you.
5. Build your character
Character is the basis of happiness and happiness the sanction of character.George Santayana
Building your character is essential for happiness. When you are true to yourself and others, you will be in peace.
The way to start building character is by making promises and keeping them. For example, you make promise to yourself that you won’t smoke. When you keep it, you are building your character. Or you make promise to others to be punctual. When you keep it, you build your character.
6. Be who you are
The summit of happiness is reached when a person is ready to be what he is.Desiderius Erasmus
You can only be happy if you become who you are. Don’t live other people’s life by trying to meet their expectations. People may expect you to have certain job or certain way of living but don’t be intimidated by them. Find who you are and be yourself.
7. Live your life purpose
The only true happiness comes from squandering ourselves for a purpose.William Cowper
To have a fulfilling life, you should find your life purpose and follow it faithfully. Find what matters to you and build the courage to follow it. Having a one-liner will help you internalize and communicate your mission.
8. Count your blessings
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.Unknown
Being happy is easy if we are grateful. Unfortunately, seeing what we don’t have is often easier than seeing what we have. Sometimes we need to experience loss before appreciating what we have. So don’t take things for granted. Look at what you have and soon you will have plenty of reasons to be happy. You may start with these simple things.
9. Have positive mind
It is not the place, nor the condition, but the mind alone that can make anyone happy or miserable.Roger L’Estrange
Happy people know how to control their mind. They don’t let negative thoughts come in. While a situation may seem bad to others, happy people look at them in a positive way. They always believe that no matter how bad a situation seems, there is always something positive to take from it. Your mind can make or break you, so guard it well.
10. Work creatively
Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort.Franklin D. Roosevelt
When you work creatively on something you will find happiness. There is a well-known phenomenon regarding this called flow. When you are in the state of flow, you are fully focused on the task at hand that you no longer realize the passage of time. This state of flow allows you to achieve high productivity and being happy at the same time. Here are some tips to achieve it.
11. Start with what you have
The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.James Oppenheim
Happy people don’t need something they don’t have to be happy. They don’t need certain job or certain level of income. Instead, they learn to be happy with what they already have. They have learned the art of contentment. Be content with what you have and you will be happy.
12. Change
They must often change who would be constant in happiness or wisdom.Confucius
Being happy requires you to constantly grow. In fact, the process of learning itself is essential for happiness. Have you ever felt the excitement of being enlightened about something? Have you ever felt the excitement of achieving a new level in life? Top 10 Things You Should Change in Your Lifegives you some practical tips on changing your life.
13. Use your talents
True happiness involves the full use of one’s power and talents.Douglas Pagels
There are two lessons to take from this quote. First, you should find your talents and second, you should use them to the fullest. Working in your talents is a sure way to enjoy your work because it’s something you are “hardwired” to do. Using your talents fully will make you even happier because of the satisfaction of doing your best.
14. Beware of small things
The happiness of most people we know is not ruined by great catastrophes or fatal errors, but by the repetition of slowly destructive little things.Ernest Dimnet
This is very true. Often it’s not big things that ruin your happiness. It’s the small things that do. Perhaps you don’t like someone or break some “small” promises. But even small leaks can sink your ship of happiness, so beware of them.
15. Distill your ambitions
Where ambition ends happiness begins.Author Unknown
While wanting to achieve more in your life is good, being obsessed by it is not. Do your best to improve yourself but don’t be obsessed by it.
16. Make others happy
Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.Ralph Waldo Emerson
This is my favorite secret of happiness. The way to being happy is to make others happy first. The more you help other people and make them happy, the more you will be happy. Happiness doesn’t come through selfishness but through selflessness. You reap what you sow.
17. Practice compassion
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.The Dalai Lama
Compassion is perhaps the highest level of selflessness we could have. As this quote aptly says, practicing compassion can make both others and you happy.
But of course, it requires practice. Start with thinking about the people around you. Look at their needs and find ways to meet them. Even if you don’t do it out of compassion in the beginning, your compassion will grow over time.
All in all, this quote by Aristotle can summarize the lessons above:
Happiness depends upon ourselves.
It’s you who decide whether or not you are happy in life.
choose to be happy. What about you?

New Years

So, this new year is my year and my world. I hold it at the edge of my fingertips and it feels SO good. Being pissed off and rebellious if overrated, I'm going to be freakin' happy and love my life
Lead, follow, or get out of my. Watch out world, I'm coming through, nothing can stop me now. Hope is high and I'm going to cling to it, tie every string to it, give everything to it. How I'll do it who can say, but I know I will someday.Watch out world I'm on my way, nothing can stop me now.

Smile, baby, smile (: It looks good on you.