What a horrible thing it is to think that a person is ever more than just a person. The world is full of people who are constantly imagining and constantly being misimagined.

Monday, May 16, 2011

It Was Only A Kiss

I want to cry, all the time, I want to scream and cry and I just wish you would care because to be honest, you are the one breaking me apart with the words you think will make me fall into your arms. 
"It was a mistake, Mikky."
"No, it wasn't you made the same mistake twice."
"And I won't do it a third time, I realize what I had when I lost it."
"Good, I should have left the first time."
"I never meant to hurt you."
"Don't pull that shit with me, Michael. You wanted her and I wasn't her. She was blonde, she was blue eyed and gorgeous and she gave you everything I couldn't."
"She was a mistake!"
"So we're you."
"You don't believe that."
"Yes, I do."
"No, you really don't. Do you remember the time I came over and brought you that movie. . And we spent all night telling each other how much we loved each other?"
"No, I try to forget."
"Put it down."
"No! You made me broken. Why couldn't you have made me perfect?"
"Oh sweetheart, what makes you think you'll ever be perfect?"
"Fuck off."
"And when I do you'll just come right back. Come on, Mik. You know we won't ever be apart."
"I know. .I just wish you'd treat me better.
"And you think you treat me like a king? Think again, sweetie.
"I'm sorry. ."
"Good girl, come here."
"Okay. . ."
I see it. I see how much you hurt me but I can't seem to find the motivation to leave you. I just let you do this, and it kills me. But I want you here, I want you here so badly I'll put up with you. I had you for ten months before you cheated and then two after that, a total of a year was spent with you and I'm not willing to give that up.

Maybe If Words Would Come Out Of My Mouth

If I could craft words like Mr.Darcy, I wouldn't be in this situation.
Maybe if you actually loved me, and listened to me, we wouldn't be so far apart...Don't blame me for you not being there to listen, when I gave you chance upon chance to be that one.
But right now, I don't even care because I don't even want you. My feelings have changed. But I'm not a princess, and this isn't what I had expected and in the end, I don't expect anything to happen. I'll just sit here and maybe someone, somewhere, someday, will realize my potential. I wrote this for you, but you'll never know that. Ha. <<<Look, I laughed. 
you worry me at times
you're animated about everything but me
and my gut says that's not healthy
pluck up the courage and ask you
a question i don't know the answer to
and your reply is not satisfactory

i wanna do everything right
i wanna make the loose ends tight

when will i be more than a novelty to you?
when will i be more than a force to push you through?
i have potential too

you scare me at times
you're full up of phrases about what you can do
but it's me who's taking this flight
i can deal with turbulence
but i'm not dealing it out like you
so please bare me in mind

i wanna do everything right
i wanna make the loose ends tight

when will i be more than a novelty to you?
when will i be more than a force to push you through?
i have potential too

if i played all the right chords, would i strike a chord with you?
if i played all the right strings, could you pull some for me too?

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Don't Give Up On Me

You're right. I do need you. I wish I didn't but I do. Won't you just leave me alone? I guarantee the only reason you are here is because you know you hurt me, you have that control. I hate you for that. The way we fight, the times I've cried, we've come to blows but that passion is there so it's gotta be right? Right?

Do you even understand what you've done to me? I had another panic attack today by the time I got home. I laid on my bed and tried so hard to breathe : in, out, in, out. You'd never think breathing would require effort. Well, it does. And I have all these thoughts going around and around and no matter how much I get them out they will never make sense.
I need to get out of here. 
I know I'm messed up, but I just need someone to listen, someone to care and not judge me. Anyone?
That's what I thought.


I rode in the car in silence all the way home, waiting for her to say anything to me, waiting for her to tell me it was all okay and we would be okay and everyone was going to get better now and it would feel better. But she didn't. She tried and then she faltered, her voice started breaking and she threw her phone over on my lap and just said "Read it." I took a look and there it was, plain as day, she was looking at him, probably thinking about how much he means to her and then below it "Too bad she's fake." and then I realized it. He was already crazy about her not being real, being too good to be true. And this certainly didn't help. She turned to me with her huge eyes full of tears, "What am I going to do?" I looked at her in all her misery, she didn't need another heartbreak. And I just shrugged. I have no thoughts, no feelings. . just numbness. She was shaking so badly that I had to drive us home. That wasn't exactly safe, seeing as how i could have ran us into anything just to end it. But I didn't. I took the consideration to let her feel, and as funny as it is, I am jealous of her ability to feel this. And then when we got home she balled. But in thirty minutes she was dressed, composed and looked every inch of perfection. I admire that because I couldn't do it. 
To whoever that girl was who hurt her: Hate only ruins peoples lives. Just shut up and let them be happy. Please? She's already been through enough. 

You seem to think that by saying all the things you used to that I will come running back to you. Well I won't. So calling me beautiful, or telling me you missed me won't work this time. I don't believe you, I never did. I don't think you actually mean what you say. So if you want me to come back, you have to prove to me that you mean every single word.

This Is The End

I can't function like this. It's killing me. Make it stop. Oh, but that's right. . it never will stop. It'll be something I deal with all my life. Well, you're not helping. You aren't helping. You're not helping. How many ways can I tell you how that conversation broke me? I wanted to die right there, it'll just be someone else I lose. 
-what does that have to do with anything, you dont have to be me to listen to the words that im telling you

Because I'm not going to agree with you and you just pushing it on me only makes it worse. It emphasizes the fakeness. People only watch out for their own backs.

yeah i push you off because i get scared
im the most paranoid person right now
i pushed you off because i was freaking out

I'm not exactly the right person to take it out on.
Deal with your shit and I deal with mine.

that's what emery said, and i shouldnt take it out on anyone

I'm not a fucking dart board for all of your guys fucking issue.

think back i was asking you what your issues were so that i could try to help but that must have gotten confused along the way

I meant about your paranoia.

yeah oh well ill get over my paranoia

Don't get over it by pinning it on me, or for that matter my sister. Just saying.

i wasnt pinning it on anyone :-/ it just happened to involve you. i never said it was your fault or that you were to blame or anything so what ev

It has nothing to fucking do with me except your own god damn insecurities!

THAT IS WHAT IM SAYING!!!!! jeeze girl

You sure have a shit way of saying it.

my bad

Here's A Game You Would Like.

I'd lose. 9 times out of 10, I would lose.

It's Not That I Don't Care Anymore. . It's That I Can't.

You sent me a message last night about one of my statuses. I freaked out, you don't deserve to know everything about me. You don't deserve to know my life story because you don't care, you just want to get on my good side so she'll date you because caring about me makes you look cool and she'll fall into your arms all because you "helped" me. Fuck you. Fuck you and your fake ass feelings. What you don't know is that before I would have fallen in love with you for that because I DID have a little crush on you. But now I see how you are trying to push yourself away from me because it scares you how alike we act. Well, bitch, news flash, we've lived our whole lives together. So, get over it. And don't ever, ever, try to talk to me again because you're not helping my depression OR anxiety. You're making it worse, you're breaking me.