What a horrible thing it is to think that a person is ever more than just a person. The world is full of people who are constantly imagining and constantly being misimagined.

Friday, December 31, 2010


in twelve hours i will love you, in twelve hours I will give you everything you have given me times twelve because every hour that I'm away from you I realize what I do wrong, and what you do right. My goals for this new year involve simply becoming a better person and proving to myself that I CAN make you happy.

Hmm, Respect.


To respect a person is not possible without knowing him; care and responsibility would be blind if they were not guided by knowledge. 

As I see it, respect is something that is earned. One earns another's respect by voluntarily doing the things I mentioned above, such as taking that person's feelings, needs and thoughts into consideration.
Respect seems to be like a boomerang in the sense that you must send it out before it will come back to you. Respect cannot be demanded or forced, though sometimes people mistakenly believe that it can, fear and respect are two different things, two different entities if you will. Respect is something that requires dilligence and good amount of faith because to respect is to acknowledge and to accept. Without acceptance you cannot know, and without knowledge you cannot learn. You learn from the people you respect and you treat them with that security. Someone you respect is someone who makes you strong, better. Someone you respect you do the HONOR of not lying too, of not betraying. Respect cannot be faked, no matter how hard. Fake respect is misplaced honesty and virtue, respect for someone allows you to trust them and trust means no lies, no fallacies. Respect is something that cannot be forced, forced respect is fear and fear leads to hurt and pain. Someone you respect should never make you feel pain, betrayal, or disappointment. You cannot gain respect for a liar, liars are the epitome of evil. Why? Because lying requires lack of conscience. A lack of conscience allows someone to utterly detach themselves from reality and do what they know will hurt. Respect is something hard to come by, people think that you demand, push aside, MAKE respect. You can't. Respect is from the heart, a heart cannot be molded or broken into what someone else may want, a heart is unique to it's owner and a heart that can feel is a heart that can respect.

Why Twilight Sucks (:

 It’s offensive to the whole human race, there is too much face touching, and never once does it say the word ‘fangs’.  Millions of teenage girls are going to sit around, wasting away, waiting for an Edward. . but he doesn’t exist. Stephanie Meyer has brainwashed society. Either you love the vulnerable, obsessive, pale, want-to-kill-you boyfriend or you hate him and love the muscular, rugged, got-your-back best friend. And either way, you have a preference and that makes you brainwashed. And why? There is Bella Swan, which means beautiful swan and is ridiculously cheesy and a clear trait of a Mary Sue (been reading Tennyson lately, we all see what you did there!), who is clumsy, which might I add is not a flaw if Edward always catches her. And there is Edward, the flawless main character that has no deep thoughts except that Bella smells good. It is a co-dependent relationship stripped down to the bare essentials, girl “I love  you, I will change myself to be with you” and boy “I need you, I will kill myself if you leave me.” Bella’s only thoughts are “Edward is so perfect, I love him.” There is no other given reason why they love each other, she smells good and he is hot. That is teaching young girls everywhere that love is rather superficial. Another form of brainwashing, if you will, besides Bella has no goals and no future except Edward which is taking almost three hundred steps back and insulting women everywhere who fought for equality of gender. Stephanie Meyer is creating a series that is a prime example of an abusive relationship. I would never advocate for banning books, so my hope is for parents of Twilight fans to read these novels as well and discuss issues like domestic abuse, stalking, co-dependence, and the rest of Stephanie Meyer’s trickery with their teens because there is nothing ‘loving or cute’ about a guy watching you while you sleep when you don’t know he’s there.
And there are the stupid, not so serious reasons why Twilight inevitably sucks.
Despite her obviously trying, Valley author Stephanie Meyer writes horrendous pieces of literature that are not worth the paper they were printed on. Cracking open a thesaurus doesn’t make you an author.
 I want to hit Bella. Not only is the character of Bella lacking any sort of emotional depth, but she allows herself to fall into the arms of an effing vampire. Any sane person would be weary of the situation. Not only that, but she proceeds to continue a bizarre codependent relationship with him. This "I love you … but stay away from me … but come here anyway," BS that Edward pulls is just unhealthy. On that note
 I want to hit Edward. Mostly because he refuses to end Bella's life by finally feasting on the blood he's wanted for so long and thereby ending my misery. Go on! She's delicious.
Edward is sooooooooooooooooo hot! OMG! Edward is sooooo freakin' dreamy. You know how I know? Meyer makes hundreds of references to his beauty in the book. All the while, he lives up to being like most hot guys - completely vacant of personality. None of his creepy behavior (watching Bella as she sleeps, following her around so he can save her) would be tolerated if he weren't 100 percent supa-fine. Which leads to this. . .
Vampires sparkle! Who knew vampires were so flamboyant? Edward leads Bella to the top of a mountain, where he proceeds to take off his shirt to show her why he can't go in the sun. He's sparkly! Do you get it now Bella!? He can't go out into the sun because people will want to make handbags out of him! Despite that, Bella stares stupidly and tells him he's "beautiful." Surprise, surprise! Barf.

The movie has ruined two of my favorite bands. Muse and Radiohead are among the likes of 
likes Linkin Park and Paramore on the soundtrack. What!? The filmmakers went so far as to edit out a potentially risky Muse lyric in their song "Supermassive Black Hole." The opening line of the song "Oh baby don't you know I suffer? Oh baby can you hear me moan?" was edited down only to the first question. Because you can only moan during sex, you know.

Which is strange and apparently understandable,  because Meyer clearly thinks she's Bella. The plain, average character has five hot guys after her at any given time. Why? Because she's so virtuous and plain! Guys love that! Meyer would know.
 Bella sucks. And she's not even a vampire. She has no problem being a "strong" little sassy pants toward her parents, but she can't walk out the door without being victimized and therefore saved by the sparkly Edward.
And this: All Twilight fans are insane, proved by several responses to criticism such as… “What is your name, address and phone number, just so that i can track you down ank kill You with my super awesom vampire powers THAT I AQUIRED FROM READING THE SERIES!!!!!!!!!!”
62. And this… “do you WANT a cult of angry twilight luvers like mysef at your doorstep at night trying to behead you????? you shouldnt voice an absurd oppinion like this on the internet.”
63. And this… “you must have not read much good litterature in youre life, because if you cannot appreciate the quality of this art…..YOU ARE MENTALLY UNSOUND!!!!!!!”  (Of course, you’re right, my apologies, I shouldn’t dis this supreme magical LITTERature.
As you can see, none of this series really makes any sense, and has corrupted a world of teenage girls whos mind (and grammar) have been effected by reading these absurd books.  Eventually,  I’m sure, we will all see a mass criticism on her other books about creepy spirits trapped inside humans, I.E The Host. But I will save that for a later date (:

Thursday, December 30, 2010


So, today and yesterday have started out decent, not the mention last night was pretty fun. Snow makes everything happy-go-lucky. And then today, I get to sit here, very reminiscent of Tuesday, where I sat around being ignored for a game. Wohoo. Haha, yeah it's the most fun ever. Trust me on this one (: Anyway, Victoria. I love that girl, she makes me laugh. She is a lot like me but we are different, but alike, so the point still stands. She's finally getting herself off of her Jake Addiction, which is good. he's a waste of space and doesn't deserve to even have a spot in her mind.
All the world is screaming at me, stop, stop, stop, go.
All the voice laughing at me, yes, yes, yes, yes, no.
I realized last night as well that I needed to be better. I need to be more willing to compromise and make Darrin happier, and be more interested in things that he does. So, I agreed that we could go to his friend's New Years Eve Party. I figured that would be a nice first step, but I do have my limits. I'm really not one who likes to be put aside, especially when you say you aren't going to do something and then you do. I get it, it's what you do, sure. But still. .I mean can we at least pay a little attention here? That's not to much to ask right? But I'm not going to start any crap because that's pointless and will merely result in a fight, which I think we've fought enough over his stupid games.
No one said it would be easy did they? Being better never is, everyone knows that. But I shouldn't be the only one compromising, i mean I gave up my Tuesday to hang out with you and your friends, and then my Thursday as well? Just because it isn't a group of people all doing it doesn't make it okay. I don't think I'm overreacting. He knows how I feel about it, he knows full well. But hey, whatever. He'll do his things, I'll do mine. The end.

Moral of the story
Boys suck.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

My 365 (:

Tonight I have decided that I'm going to start my 365, a whole year of blogging everyday. .It will be interesting to say the least.
Anyway, I have just said goodbye to the world tonight, closed off my facebook, turned on my music and drifted into a world of writing. Things have become so. . wonderful these days. And I have a certain man in my life to thank for that. Let me describe him to you.
He has the most sincere soul in the world, nothing can bring him down. He's not afraid to be himself around me, he holds onto me and never lets me go but at the same time allows me to fly. He never forgets what is important to him: me. He never once looks at me with a flicker of a doubt. He always shows me why life is amazing and what I should love, he stands up for me, he kisses me like he'd never want to let me go. He is perfect.
What is the point you may ask, well I will tell you. Without him, I would be. .

Who Am I?

Who am I? This is a question I'm sure I haven't  found out yet, and maybe one day those things that make people so inspirational and insightful will happen to me. This is a question that, in fact, has troubled me for many years. I will start  at the beginning.

When I was 6 years old I moved to Riverton, UT from France. Strange at first, I knew the minimum of English and my mother had to accompany me to school, she was my light in a world full of things that didn't make sense. Because of her I managed to pass the 2nd grade and by 3rd grade my English was almost flawless, except my accent. 
In 5th grade we moved again, to Herriman, UT. Not that far but the people who had grown up knowing who I was and where I came from where gone, I had no one. My accent was still visible but it began to dim, everything did. I had to start speaking French just so I wouldn't forget it. I couldn't forget my history, that was not the plan. 
In 7th grade I met a boy. . Cody McCormick. He was 17, he was a stud, he drove a mustang. Maybe I loved him superficially, well, of course I did, it was puppy love. But then he used me and that was the first time I realized I wasn't exactly 'lovable'. I was defective, I just wasn't sure why.
In 8th grade I met Michael Ryan Rentmeister. We were friends for quite a while and I loved him for being my friend, for being with me. And how I needed that love. . My best friend, Keltsy, decided to move to East High. The month she left my cell phone rang off the hook. She hated me, she absolutely wanted to destroy me. I was fat, ugly, worthless. I was labeled and I began to fit the label. I simply didn't care anymore. Michael became more and more a piece of who I was. I needed him, I need him so deeply that I gave up who I was to have him. School became second hand, second place and worthless. I began cutting, I began losing who I thought I was. Swearing was habitual, and so were the phone calls. .One day I got a voice mail and I checked it, I had to know, it now defined who I was. This one was worse, I was know a whore, a cheapskate, a good-for-nothing-piece-of-shit and being dead would serve a greater purpose then being alive. So I tried. I remember, in a somewhat blurry way, walking down the stairs with my guitar case, grabbing the knives in the kitchen and hiding them in it. I walked back to my room took them out and traced all the cuts I had made in the past, the two on my wrist are still there. I grooved them so deeply that I almost threw up. My step-brother, Aaron, walked in and just stared. He called my mother who immediately raced me to the hospital where they prescribed my mandatory 2 day stay and my anti-depressants. The kind that force Serotonin into your brain and force the happiness into you. Fake happiness I called it. Michael and I started dating after that, he told me everything and I him. He was mine, forever and always.
In 9th grade we broke up, he lived in Odgen after all. And then I met Charlie Quintana. He was dating my best friend at the time but I still loved him, and I was happy then. And then I made the High School Basketball Team. That gave me direction and purpose, and I loved my life. I loved who I was. I was now a role model. And then one game, East High. .Keltsy, to my dismay made the team at East High. As I prepared to make a shot she whispered everything she had said on the messages into my ear. I turned around and punched her so hard she was knocked out. A whole gang of girls jumped on me, hitting me back for hitting her. The ref intervened and the game was completely cancelled. We were all suspended.
In 10th grade she moved back. She apologized and tricked me into believing that she was really sorry. I finally got Charlie, I finally got what I wanted so badly and that year was going to be fantastic. Until we broke up of course. I found who I really wanted to be inside Debate, I loved it. It released everything that I had ever felt, in a constructive way. I met my new best friend there, Erin. She made me happier, she almost forced happiness from my every pore. My teacher, he was influential to say the least. He showed us all that we had something deeper inside of us. Something we should work and strive to be, and kick ass on the way (: H made my life suddenly seem conquerable. Then I made basketball again and found my family all over again. We went to state and lost by two points, devastating and I was suddenly spiraling downwards again. And then in May. . Cameron, my best friend, killed himself. I began skipping class, and even my pills didn't work. I was cutting again, I was again a loser. I lost 30 pounds that year, I went from 160 to 130. I didn't eat, ever. And I visited Cameron's grave everyday, I talked to him even. I slowly began getting better, believing that he could hear me. 
Yes, I got better. Slowly.
And then I met Darrin, or rather began talking, to Darrin. He was kind of corky (he still is) but it was a good corky, the kind that made me happy. We ended up together and still are. Yes, we have our own problems but  things happen and somehow he stays, he stays through it all.
But I still don't know who I am? Labels like fat, slut, ugly, whore, worthless. . defined me for years. And now I'm trying to break out of those and I'm finding that so hard, so gut wrenching, so terrifying. I still cut, I still don't always eat, I still sometimes wish I would die and just leave all this behind me but..what fun would that be? 
And besides, it's taken me far to long to find this chaotic peace of mind.


i knew on the day what'd happen by night
my thoughts of you just couldn't fight
their lack of reassurance
but if i'm honest with myself
they never could

shadowed by the thought of it turning good
i made myself believe it would
if only miracles were ture then i'd
finally get my wish
i'd be with you

what would you do if it fades away
and you're grasping at the edges?
and the more you pull, the more it frays
til you're left

it's taken me this long just to find
the most chaotic peace of mind
i've worked long and hard to keep it going strong
it never could

what would you do if it fades away
and you're grasping at the edges?
and the more you pull, the more it frays
'til you're left...and they're right

you're so far away

The Night

Observationally, and perhaps hypothetically as to not hurt anyone’s feelings, this is what I find. The guy sitting behind me yelling “Die Jumping Jew,” is extremely annoying. He’s drowning out my music which is up all the way, which is pathetic.  Jumping Jew was maybe funny the first time, now. . It just annoys me. He’s so dangerously loud I want to rip out his vocal cords. And he just keeps saying it, and saying it and saying it.
                Moving on, I’m just annoyed. Why? I find this absolutely dreadful, I am now in the very middle of what I hate. This sucks. And it just keeps going, and going. And that girl, her voice makes me want to punch her in the face. Ugh, only 6 more hours. .  . Shoot me. Yet again with the Jumping Jew guy, I will hit him.  Why am I here again? I haven’t spoken a word in the past 6 hours anyway, what is the point? Can I go home? NO. Why? Because my boyfriend doesn’t listen to me and finds loopholes and ways to make me feel like crap and does his own thing anyway. Other than that. . . Don’t get me started. The wind is swinging the swing outside, it looks kind of creepy actually. Yep, really creepy. There is snow up here (: Yeah, and it’s cold, so that just pisses me off more. And he’s going to be here over night, ridiculous.
                Speaking of religion, which I wasn’t but I thought I would. I hate it, I absolutely hate it. It is so hard for me to really believe in anything. I just want to be me, why do I have to follow rules? I am the wrong person to have a boyfriend going on a mission, completely. But hey, that’s okay. I can decide those things for myself.  So I will. And I really don’t see how it’s anyone elses business. But hey, if people get upset that’s cool. And I know people say that the commandments are there to keep you safe and all that, and that’s great for people like that, but I’m not like that. I’m sorry. Buddhism, let’s see. The eightfold path, the four truths, basically put it’s be a better person, work to be a better person. I can do that. But, maybe not, because religion is wasted on me, I’ve got to much of my dad in me, too much doubt and confrontation that wants to battle everything people say. 
                You can preach to me and tell me I’m wrong, go for it. You can show me your ‘facts’, sure. You can do whatever you want and I will listen to you but I will have to politely decline. Once I’m 18 and it’s my choice I’m out of here. I’m moving to Boston, playing in the WNBA and living life without religion being so in my face. Utah Mormon’s are the worst, they are so judgmental and angry if you go against them, and then it’s just almost like “okay, I’m over it” because you can’t say anything or they will want to rip your eyes out of your face.
                Which is a shame really, I like my eyes. Now I wish I could remember Wagner’s number; that would give me something to do. He would talk to me.  Found it (: I am pro. Not really, but hey. Well, there goes that idea. Not going to work apparently, which is okay because all we do is argue about if I’m ever going to send him a cute picture. Which can get really annoying, save me. Save me, save me, save me, save me, SAVE ME. O, wonderful. Now he won’t leave me alone. I hate when people don’t leave me alone. Oh no, I just realized I ran out of crap to rant about. That’s not good. Something needs to annoy me and quick, or I’ll lose the only source of attention I am giving. Hmmm.  . . . Oh she spoke. I win, I win. Uh, okay. Well, my shoulder has a stabbing pain in it. That can’t be good. 

Monday, December 13, 2010

What You Do To Me.

I tried hard to find someone like you
And what was I doing that for?
'Cause you always put me down and put me out
And I fell and fell
And hit the ground

I was convinced we'd last throughout the past
It was fine until now
When you shut me down and shut me out
And I fell and fell
And hit the ground

Oh, you don't know what you do to me
What you do to me
What you've done

I thank God it's coming to an end
Because I've cried way too much over you
Now I'm over you
Oh, you don't know what you do to me
What you do to me
What you've done
And I can finally move on
It's been way too long
It's been way too long, way too long

You are not the same person I fell in love with
You are the same person I wanna be with
And now I am a different person

Take Me Away.

Take me away to January
I'm done with this year, I'm tired of everyone here
I just need some time alone
Before I'm ready to come back home
There's gotta be something else out there for me
I could feel it in my heart the day I started to dream
There's more than this Midwestern town
I can't let this place keep me down

So I tell myself

"There's someone out on the coast of California,
There's a world out there and it's waiting for you."
And I can hear them calling my name tonight.

Take me away, I need the sand and the waves
The sunset and let's not forget those warm autumn days
I just need to get out of here
And visit the coast just to see her
There's gotta be something else out there for me
I could feel it in my heart the day I started to dream
There's more than this Midwestern town
I can't let this place keep me down

So I tell myself

"There's someone out on the coast of California,
There's a world out there and it's waiting for you."
And I can hear them calling my name tonight.

Take me away to January
I'm done with this year, I'm tired of everyone here
I just need some time alone
Before I'm ready to come back home

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Follow Me

You Know What: I Am Just Blank, Not In A Bad Way But Blank Like Nothing Can Dent My Happiness. Why? Hmm, Hell I'm Not Even Sure. As Long As I Listen To My Happy Song When I Wake Up I Am In Such An Amazing Mood. Hahah, I Don't Even Know. I Just Love It, Love It, Love It, Sort Of How I Love. . Cheese? How About. . .Crackers? Hahah Cheese And Crackers. . Funny. . . .
See, I Told Ya. (: (:

Monday, November 29, 2010

Gut Wrenching

Something came over me last night as I sat writing, like I always do, and maybe it was my fault for writing about it anyway but in my fictional world there is a girl, Analee, and a boy, Dustin. Analee is a bulimic, haunted by her dead best friend, Cameron. Dustin is a boy, just a boy. He's so kind, loving, funny, carefree and completely intact, unlike Ana. Ana fears her love is doomed because history repeats itself and it doesn't help that Dustin's insane skinny body drives her crazy. Ana is a long-time cutter, but even that doesn't seem to help. . now, back to reality. Dustin is my AMAZING boyfriend, Darrin and Analee (his ex's name is Anna) is maybe a fragment of the deepest part of my soul. This being said, I haven't held down a meal for 3 days. And to let you know, I'm fully aware of my problem. Don't try and change it.  Did you know that Creative Writers and ten times more likely to suffer from manaic depression? Now, don't get me wrong. Darrin is the best thing that has ever happened and he makes me SO happy. For the first time I feel lost for words, you cannot describe Darrin. The problem is that I can't bring myself to keep my food, I can't. And I've promise myself that at 125 it will stop, but I know thats not true. Spiral.
 Now I know Cameron would never betray me like that, make me this wrong. In life he would comfort me, let me cry, tell me everything is alreight, kiss my forehead and send me off with a nudge and make all my fears go away. My efforts leave me grasping thin air, begging for it to help me. And still nothing. Sometimes I wonder if someone handed me a knife and said "here you go, make it clean," if I could refuse the offer to join Cameron, and then I remember that I can't leave Darrin, not like that. And he thinks. . well, I don't know what his preference on my looks is. . Oh Shucks. I guess it wouldn't matter anyway. I'm on double relapse, nothing can stop me now. Cutting and Bulimia. Here We Go Again.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Cameron, Love

have never been so angry in my life, honestly. Or more depressed. I have these flickers; ten minutes of perfect serenity, and then I’ll punch a hole in the wall. And then, after staring at it for a few moments, contemplating why I just hit a wall, I’ll start crying about it. And this all started because of Cameron. Great, I said, I even promised, I’d never let someone control my emotions and then my best friend goes and dies. .Hmmm? Yes, well. You know, I doubt I’d be feeling this way if I hadn’t let him go off and overdose without so much as a word. The last thing I ever said to him was icy, brutal. . hateful. And then he died.
And, Charlie St. Cloud, guess what? Real people can’t see dead people, no matter how much they wish they could.
For the past. . 4 months? I’ve been a wreck, an utter and complete bubble of ruin. Not to mention Randy. Great guy, very charming. But a loser. No plans, no drive, nothing. So I go and break it off, my feelings of self doubt consuming me until even the people around me know. And then he gets kidney failure. Great, am I going to lose him too?
I’m not sure what God has going on up there, what he’s playing at, but unless somethings done soon. . I even took Tarot Cards. I don’t put a lot of value in those sort of things but today, with Chelsea, I did. And what did I get? The Tower, which may I add, stands for “false concepts and institutions that we take for real.” When the reader gets this card, they can expect to be shaken up, to be blinded by a shocking revelation. My revelation; God is Impossible.
But that’s not all, oh no. Go Moon! With Pisces as its ruling sign, the Moon is visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry.. it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. So, who’s going to take me down this time?
And, shall I continue? The Hermit..the card that says I should have ‘a desire for peace and solitude’. Yeah well, news flash. I do.
So, whats left for me to say? What’s left for me to do? Jump off a cliff? Maybe make some more pretty little scars? Yes, like I need that. You recover from one thing and get another. But yet, the vice is always the same. Damn it.

Randy, Love

You insensitive piece of a human being. You disappoint me more than anyone could ever imagine, and not to mention you just casually forget to tell me? Well, good, I’m glad because now I realize the real you. The real you who thinks I’m so unsuspecting, so ‘average’. Well, if I’m so average how come you even used me, wouldn’t someone like you want to have a ‘trophy girl’ on your arm?
I guess not.
But that’s all useless to you isn’t it? It doesn’t matter what I say or what I feel because all in all, it’s down to you. So, trust me, it’s okay. I’ll recover, I’m not that wounded. I just would have thought for once my stone wall would have been broken down with purpose.
If you don’t want someone in your business then why would you say something about it in the first place. It’s fairly obvious when you say ‘We decided on a name without fighting. . Liam Preston Billings’ that it is obviously a child and it is obviously. . not mine.
So, looking back on it, I can’t see why I got so angry over you. Over something worthless. And yet again, I put my faith in the dead. It’s not creepy, it’s not demented, it’s coping. So, I turn to Cameron and ask, what would you do?
My answer: silence. Okay, I get it. You’re gone, you can’t come back, I can’t see you, you can’t see me. I can’t hear you, you can’t hear me. Settled? Hardly.
I decided maybe I would get more clarity at his grave. I wrote down all my thoughts into a letter and took off, speeding, to his grave. The headstone reads ‘Never Give Up What You Want Most For What You Want Right Now’ You’d be surprised how badly I needed to hear that. I sat down to the side and spilled out my memories, my thoughts, my feelings.
You see, even though you can’t talk back, Cam. I still get the feeling that you’re prepared to watch over me. Which is good, I need that. It makes me realize that, in fact, if I was gone, I might be missed. Whether here or somewhere else. Delving deep inside myself I realized I wouldn’t want to die anyway; I’m afraid of where I’ll end up.
Even Tarot Cards Can’t Tell You That… (:
Once done I felt better. I didn’t feel so average. And then there is Randy. He went in for surgery, not a replacement unfortunately. A bypass surgery. Are you kidding me? Bypass? And I don’t know until your sister calls and tells me what room you’ll be in. Listen, I don’t have time to go around visiting two graves all right?
And as I sat there and watched him. . loser or not: Drive or no drive; I felt an inexplicable pull towards him. I pulled out my sketch book (nice waste of time) and drew a picture with such likeness that even I was shocked. I left it on your lap and left. Cut your losses.
And as I drive back to the place I wish I could call home I look down at the nice little ring on my thumb and send an uncontrollable flow of tears down my cheeks. I’m sick of crying, I’m sick of nearly killing myself because I just can’t handle being this way (whether or not I want to doesn’t mean I won’t think of it). So, I do the one thing I actually don’t regret. I pull it off, kiss it once, and throw it out my window, hearing it clatter onto the pavement and I know, that that ring, that little white gold ring with the trinity diamonds is never going to be truly lost or truly broken and I find solace in that because even though it’s a little ring it sort of reminds me. . of my spirit.
No matter how battered, no matter how worn, no matter how pounded and ran over, and no matter how far away it seems to run too; it will never be truly lost or truly broken.

Strange, The Way We Think

I stare into the perfect porcelain, stained with age and dirt and grime and filth, below me. Jewels of water trickle down into the pool. A door behind me clatters, the footsteps fade away. Nobody left but me
“Go on. Do it. Trust me.” He says. I stop, and turn my head.
“I can’t.” I whisper. However loud I say it, I know he hears. He hears everything.
We hear everything.
“You can. Be strong.” I can. I will be strong.
“I shouldn’t.” Still I protest. I stare, listlessly at the shapeless wall beside me.
“You have before.” Triumph ripples in his voice. I hang my head in shame.
“I know, but—”
“But nothing. Coward.”
There is silence. Not outside, not behind me. Someone else is here now. Water gushes from taps, wind roars from machines, steps echo on the cold, hard tiles. The steps move past my cubicle. A mutter to themselves, perhaps, a whistle through their most-likely perfect lips. I barely notice. My world is silent.
“Not while someone’s here.” I finally reply.
“Of course. A Coward like you would hate to get caught. They won’t even care.”
“They will.” I find myself replying.
“You hope they will. Trust me. They won’t.” His words shatter the silence. Of course I trust him. I always have.
Why would they care? They’re perfect. To them, I barely exist.
The finger pulls towards my mouth. I barely resist.
I turn. I drop to my knees before the pristine white bowl.
“That’s it.” He coaxes. I hesitate.
And then, the door slams. The fingers push. My mouth contorts, muffled cries of pain escape as tears well behind my eyes.
“Keep doing it. Almost there. Trust me.” The encouragement works. I hear myself screaming.
“You’re worthless.”
“I shouldn’t.” The tears begin to fall.
“But—“ I can feel it.
“Worth. Less.”
And then it comes.
The choking, killing, tide of relief and guilt and sin and hatred and ugly and everything, every, little thing I hate, comes pouring out. My head spins, the tears fall lower, they drip onto the fractured bowl and merge into tide. I cough, splutter, gasp for breath, gasp for anything but the plague inside my mouth. And all the time, he’s there. Talking to me.
“Well done. Don’t you feel better now?”
“No.” I think, pulling myself up to stand on unstable legs.
“There’s more left, isn’t there?”
I nod, silently to the wall as I reach for the handle.
“We’re still ugly, aren’t we?” I nod.
“We’re still stupid, aren’t we?” I nod.
“We’re still worthless. Aren’t we?” His voice thunders in my head
“Still worthless.” I mouth, splashing water at my face, feeling it trickle over every inch of imperfection, inside and out.
“Well then. We know what we have to do about that, don’t we?”
I step out, into the corridors once more. Hundreds of faces pass me by as I pick up my bags and walk to class. Hundreds of people judge me. Hundreds of people judge me, and see nothing wrong.
None of them judge me like I judge me.
I shall do it again.
And again.
Until I am as perfect as the perfect porcelain.

Ginger Snap

Out Here It’s Like I’m Someone Else,  In Here I Suppose I Should Say Because A Blog Isn’t Very Out. .But The Point Is It’s Different. I Don’t Know Exactly How I Ever Feel And Maybe This Could Somehow Show Me, Feelings To Paper Is Always A Good Start. I Am In Love, I’ll Give It That. But I’ve Been In “Love” A Lot. I Fell In Love With A Boy Going Off To The Army, I Fell In Love With A Boy Who Had To Be Rushed Into The ER For A Kidney Transplant. . I Fell In Love With A Kid Who Broke My Heart In Half And Crushed It With An Anvil All Because Of A Moment Of Passion, Or So He Says. And Then All At Once You Have To Say Goodbye, No More Wondering If They Could Stay Because You Know, God You Know, That Wishing . .Wishing Only Makes It Worse.  But It’s Okay Because Life Goes On, Really It Does. And Climbing Up The Scale Wall To Get There Is Tough But In The End It Makes You That Much Stronger. Without Mistakes We Couldn’t Progress, Progressing Is The Process Of Tearing Yourself Apart And Somehow Coming Out On Top, Shedding The Version Of Our Old Selves  And Saying Yes. . I CAN Change. Saying I Don’t Have To Be This Way Forever Makes All The Difference. But It Takes A Lot Of Work, So Bear With Me. But Hey, I Love You Kid. We’ve Already Established This. So, When You Know And I Know And That Little Something Else Knows. .It’ll Break History. .It’ll Make Progress.