What a horrible thing it is to think that a person is ever more than just a person. The world is full of people who are constantly imagining and constantly being misimagined.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Randy, Love

You insensitive piece of a human being. You disappoint me more than anyone could ever imagine, and not to mention you just casually forget to tell me? Well, good, I’m glad because now I realize the real you. The real you who thinks I’m so unsuspecting, so ‘average’. Well, if I’m so average how come you even used me, wouldn’t someone like you want to have a ‘trophy girl’ on your arm?
I guess not.
But that’s all useless to you isn’t it? It doesn’t matter what I say or what I feel because all in all, it’s down to you. So, trust me, it’s okay. I’ll recover, I’m not that wounded. I just would have thought for once my stone wall would have been broken down with purpose.
If you don’t want someone in your business then why would you say something about it in the first place. It’s fairly obvious when you say ‘We decided on a name without fighting. . Liam Preston Billings’ that it is obviously a child and it is obviously. . not mine.
So, looking back on it, I can’t see why I got so angry over you. Over something worthless. And yet again, I put my faith in the dead. It’s not creepy, it’s not demented, it’s coping. So, I turn to Cameron and ask, what would you do?
My answer: silence. Okay, I get it. You’re gone, you can’t come back, I can’t see you, you can’t see me. I can’t hear you, you can’t hear me. Settled? Hardly.
I decided maybe I would get more clarity at his grave. I wrote down all my thoughts into a letter and took off, speeding, to his grave. The headstone reads ‘Never Give Up What You Want Most For What You Want Right Now’ You’d be surprised how badly I needed to hear that. I sat down to the side and spilled out my memories, my thoughts, my feelings.
You see, even though you can’t talk back, Cam. I still get the feeling that you’re prepared to watch over me. Which is good, I need that. It makes me realize that, in fact, if I was gone, I might be missed. Whether here or somewhere else. Delving deep inside myself I realized I wouldn’t want to die anyway; I’m afraid of where I’ll end up.
Even Tarot Cards Can’t Tell You That… (:
Once done I felt better. I didn’t feel so average. And then there is Randy. He went in for surgery, not a replacement unfortunately. A bypass surgery. Are you kidding me? Bypass? And I don’t know until your sister calls and tells me what room you’ll be in. Listen, I don’t have time to go around visiting two graves all right?
And as I sat there and watched him. . loser or not: Drive or no drive; I felt an inexplicable pull towards him. I pulled out my sketch book (nice waste of time) and drew a picture with such likeness that even I was shocked. I left it on your lap and left. Cut your losses.
And as I drive back to the place I wish I could call home I look down at the nice little ring on my thumb and send an uncontrollable flow of tears down my cheeks. I’m sick of crying, I’m sick of nearly killing myself because I just can’t handle being this way (whether or not I want to doesn’t mean I won’t think of it). So, I do the one thing I actually don’t regret. I pull it off, kiss it once, and throw it out my window, hearing it clatter onto the pavement and I know, that that ring, that little white gold ring with the trinity diamonds is never going to be truly lost or truly broken and I find solace in that because even though it’s a little ring it sort of reminds me. . of my spirit.
No matter how battered, no matter how worn, no matter how pounded and ran over, and no matter how far away it seems to run too; it will never be truly lost or truly broken.

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